My Two Cents Plus Haikus

New Year's Resolutions

2012-01-04T19:29:00.003-05:00

-To lose 100lbs
-To solve a crime
-To stop dropping my phone onto hard surfaces
-To (successfully) set up a friend by running their Match.com account
-To not get dicked over by any of my current friends at this time
-To run on the treadmill in jeans and a sweater like every other resolutioner
-To start a revolution
-To help a women give birth in a trapped elevator
-To become a fan
-To break up a marriage
-To break IN a marriage
-To swim the Nile
-To believe in Santa Claus
-To become an aunt...again
-To try every drug there is
-To eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies in one sitting

-To blog more often....which I've already failed at doing..

onward!!

A Very Nen Christmas

2011-12-29T08:30:00.002-05:00

Twas the night before Christmas, Gesundheit means health and wealth,
F, P and I watched a movie called Elf.
The sisters were with the in-laws that night,
So poor me was stuck with my parents, what a sight!

Previously that day, we started with mass,
So crowded and mosh-pit-esque plus lacking in class.
Stupid Catholic church, we were squeezed out the door,
F and I exhaustively peaced, P stayed ...and angrily more.

Clearly this night was off to a great start,
I texted the sisters, scared of P's mood which was dark.
I don't believe it, church for me twice a year,
The only appeal is tailgating Jesus with beer.

Before we were nestled all snug in our beds,

F demanded we watch Night Shift, so visions of Michael Keaton and The Fonz danced in our heads.
And ma in her green Christmas tree PJs, and I in my sweats,
Did you know that movie is about prostitution? Prob not, I bet.

When there on the couch there arose such a clatter,
P and F laughed so much, I was confused by the matter.
We had opened presents earlier in the night,
Totally against the Christmas norm, yea that's right.

There wasn't any rain, there wasn't any snow,
I don't believe in Santa anymore. This Christmas blows.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
I knew seeing my cousins and playing "Would you rather" would soon be here!

With that excitement, I went to bed so quick,
And tried to make myself comfortable--on a twin, it's sick.
Yes, I slept at the rents on Christmas Eve,
At least they had the heat on this time so I knew I wouldn't freeze.

When I woke up the next day, I hopped out of bed

Overheard F talking about his will, like, when he's dead.

Merry Christmas! I thought as my eyes teared like a pup.

P got pissed and told him to shut the hell up.

"Now, why would you be talking about this on Christmas day??"

I agreed, but he likes his stuff in order, what can I say?

The mood soon changed from sorrow to joy,

As I negotiated what fee he would leave me for a wedding, you know, once I find a boy.

First up, visiting Gmom at the ol' folks home,

There were old people everywhere, freely to roam,

My dad used to joke how they would have wheelchair races,

And then, what did I see which lit up my face(s)!?

Some lady in a wheelchair, holding onto the wall,

Was speeding up and down the great long hall.
She was dressed all in pink, from her head to her toe,
I wonder if she ever stopped to rest, welp, I'll never know.

We help made family calls for her using my cell phone

And then some oldie entered the room, like it was her own!

"No dogs?!?" She kept asking while I cowered in fear,

P, who has balls, stood up and got her out of here.

Next stop was my aunt's, to celebrate the times,

I'm really sick of making up all of these rhymes.

I got to see the family, and the tiny tots,

We played would you rather "take a shot of blood...or not?"

Afterward, I sprang to my Rabbit, and gave a farewell whistle,
And flew to the boyfriend's like the down of a thistle.
It was game time, he explained, happening all night,

I got there in time to play Taboo and drink some Coors Light.

The next day was still with Christmas time,

Exchanging presents, with remaining family of mine.

The nephew was opening presents nonstop, such a joy.

So cute, and so in love with that little boy.

So all in all, a very Nen Christmas it 'twas,

Without much holiday including Santa Claus.

From hookers to sadness to laughter to beer,

Without a doubt, what a great Christmas this year!

Fast Car

2011-12-23T05:02:00.000-05:00

I had a music teacher who LOVED Tracy Chapman. He made us listen to her and her fast car. Which apparently is not even about a car. It's about shitty relationships. I should have taken Mr. Nouse seriously in order to be prepared for my shitty relationships. But then again, I was 8.

Uninvited

2011-12-22T21:44:00.004-05:00

Back in the 2011, I had a "friend" who moved out of the area. This "friend" had a going away gathering thrown in his honor by multiple friends and co-workers (both former and current...co-workers that is, I would know, I used to be one of them). It was his last hurrah! A farwell tour, a happy hour and then fun into the night! At least, I assume. I wasn't invited. And what's terribly awkward is that I basically asked the planners of the party (who I was also very close with) and him why I wasn't invited. Crickets all the way... no phone calls or texts were sent to acknowledge my clear not being invited to this farewell forever party.

Then, I decided that I should forget this party and you.know.what?! Throw my own!! I'll show these party planners and this guy how a goodbye party should be. I'm gonna show him a great time so that he'll remember this for the rest of his life and even after that!

I called up everyone I've ever met. I went to Party City and spend a million dollars total (or $90), I rented out the back of a bar that served Indian food (India is the guest of honor's homeland). I was NOT about to let this party go to shame. I called for valet parking, rented a moonbounce as well as pony rides. DJs played 90s music for hours on end because that's of course the greatest genre of all time. Honestly, the best party I've ever thrown by far. So many people, so much fun, just an all around excellent time.

Except he wasn't invited. Whoops.

Gettin all "porned" up

2011-12-19T17:13:00.001-05:00

Remember AIM?

Remember when SeCkSyGiRl696969696969696969 would IM you and say "Hey! Check out my website below!!! You'll get 2 for 4 dollas!!"

And you would "get all porned up" ready have yourself a good time? Yea, I know you did this. Everyone did this. Except me, cause I was smart enough to know that those were just computer viruses. Idiots.

Anyway, a college friend down the hall in my dorm had a web cam to talk with her long distance boyfriend/now husband. I always thought about what if those AIM-ers who opened up those links hoping to "get all porned up" would end up just watching a white girl who dances and raps to "Hot in Herre" by Nelly like she's on a few different types of conflicting meds.

So there it is. You sign on to AIM and CYNTHIASOHORNY pops up stating that she has what you want if you just click on the video. You're ready. You're pumped. This chick is gonna be hot. Then you see it. I'm standing there Umbros a blazing, sporting my high school swim team sweatshirt. Then I just start dancing. Feriously, awkwardly, and in no way sexy.

"Want a little bit of UH UH and a sprinkle a little UH UH?"

Videos to be uploaded. Possibly. Maybe. Most likely not.

My co-worker and I

2011-12-19T16:18:00.007-05:00

My co-worker and I are very opposite...but we have QUITE the back story!

Let's start from the very beginning. We started out as a genetics experiment. The doctors wanted to create the perfect child. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. The zygote split and one of us had desirable traits while the other was considered trash. We were taken away from each other almost immediately.

I was raised by nuns in LA while my co-worker was raised by one of the scientists involved in the experiment. So essentially, I got the short end of the stick. Not only am I half her height, she's half my size and as tall as a model. She's smart, pretty, and in great shape. I am short, stumpy, and in not so great shape.

Once I was able to get out of that hellhole of an orphanage, I ended up getting into some debt problems. Eventually she finds out that her and I were part of this experiment and comes to find me. She finds me, gets me out of my debt, then we reunite with our parents.

It's a pretty sweet story of us. Don't get me wrong...it's defintely a weird story.

But, shit happens.

Suxby's

2011-11-30T08:15:00.003-05:00

My two favoritest drinks in the world are Pumpkin Chai and Eggnog Chai. I discovered these drinks at the coffee shop in my building which will remain nameless. These two drinks are often tainted by my mortal enemy. Let's call him the Hippie Barista. He's a hippie and he's a very nice young man. Unfortunately, he cannot make a chai tea. He burns the damn thing. Every time. And ever since, I'm unable to get another Barista to make my chai.

Day #1: I tasted it for the first time. My co-workers have told me before that this place burns their coffee and I just never believed it. I must have been lucky. It was terribly unsatisfying and I couldn't even taste the deliciousness that was pumpkin.

Day #2: I figured out it was him. The goddamn hippie. He smiles at me, nods his head to the beat of the pot swirling in his head, hands me my tea and says
"Small Pumpkin Chai! Have a great day!". He thought he had me fooled. Well, he's not gonna get me next time.

Day #3: I walk by in the afternoon hoping that HB is taking a break, maybe smoking in the back? Nope, there he is, full force. In fact, he's the only one there. I retreat immediately.

Day #4: I stroll up and notice HB is among multiple baristas. What a glorious morning for a chai! What are the chances that HE'S the one to make it?? One Pumpkin Chai please! The man at the register is waving the empty cup around yelling "small pumpkin chai" like he's riding a mechanical bull. I hold my breathe. The girl who wears her hair on top of her head like a sloppy high schooler??? Nope. What about the guy who looks like a mix between Gary Coleman (too soon!) and Harry Potter??? Not even close.

HB sails out of nowhere and grabs the cup "I've got this one!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Day #5: It's almost Christmas time! Eggnog chai time. I'm feeling good. Woke up on time. Got in early. Ready for some Eggnog fucking chai. It's been a year. I can't wait. As I approach, HB is nowhere to be found. Seriously. Dead and gone. Crickets. I'm pumped. I head up, order, and await my delicious chai. The man at the register hands the cup to hair-on-top-of-head girl. Lovely. And then,

"Alright alright I'm coming!"

HB is THERE. In the back! It's like he was hiding just to fuck with me.

I pray for the Lord Baby Jesus Christ to be born early and just give me a damn present. PLEASE BABY JESUS PLEASE!!!

::Head Bobbing:: "Small Eggnog Chai! Have a great day!"

Mother fucker.

Never came to mind
To ask them for a remake
Welp, maybe next time?

Cats In The Cradle

2011-11-28T22:54:00.005-05:00

and the silver spoon,
bugs in the windowsill
over the moon.

Isn't that how that song went? I'll tell you what. It doesn't matter. What does matter right now is all of the bugs showing up on my windowsill. I'm just sitting watching some TV and the spidey sense kicks in. I look over and there is this bug like a hero in a halfshell wandering along the windowsill. Balls. Alright. Grow a pair. Kill it. Flush it. Back to Atlanta Housewives please.

Less than ten minutes later. Again. Hero in a halfshell either comes back to life or he's got a friend who smells his dead body and is ready to feed on the stench. Now, this isn't a stink bug. It's a hero in a halfshell. Look it up. Because stink bugs are apparently attracted to their dead smell and more show up when it's flush time. So I know what you're thinking. But that's not it. I wanna call the hero in a halfshell a pill bug. Not sure why. I just know they don't officially die. Even as I type I continue to look out of the corner of my eye for new HIAHSs showing up.

After the first two, I realized they were coming from the underside of the windowsill. Scotch tape to the rescue. Does it bother me that my roommate may see this tape, yell at me for possibly pulling off the paint and ask me to repaint it? No. Not when my safety is at stake. Her and her painted house can go pound sand.

But seriously. I've killed one more and blocked another (or possibly the same one I just killed) with the tape since the beginning of this blog. This is my nightmare. This is my hell.

If only I still had Franklin....

TO BE CONTINUED (meaning I'll tell you why I don't have Franklin anymore. Who's Franklin?? Look it up, you lazy fuck, I've written like 4 blogs)........

A Haiku About Being In Hell:

Cats in the Cradle
Is what I thought was my hell
I was so soooooo wrong

Cholesterol is a Cluster Fuck to Spell

2011-10-20T21:37:00.003-04:00

I have 5 minutes to write this. Meaning, I can't edit, I can't go back and read, no proofreading and certainly no pictures. I have to call CT. The daily significant other update. Balls. I just got a text from my mom that says "Today is Dad's Birthday". Balls, again. A year won't go by in which I don't forget a family member's birthday. No worries, you judgmental whores, I got him a birthday gift. And it was days ago, when we celebrated the birthday. Maybe I should ask my family to adjust their schedules and lives to celebrate their birthdays ON THE ACTUAL DAY. Me-shell is the 3rd, Trac-E the 14th ?? (shit), Frank, the 20th, and Paula the 19th.

Mine. June 15th. I got that down. Solid. And I also remember randos like my bestie (june 12), my other bestie (october something), and the kid I'm dating (sept 20th......?? right?)

So growing up I never learned birthdays. I also never knew how to add. So essentially that would result in me not knowing birthdays right?

I'm on the phone with my dad wishing him a happy birth and thanking him for being alive so I could be created and there is a goddamn baby silverfish crawling around on my ceiling. Don't get fooled by the word "baby". It wasn't cute, it wasn't small, and I couldn't shove it in a duffel bag and throw it out to sea if it annoyed me.

So poor Frank's on the line reminiscing about the days of good ol' Frankie Nen Nen and I'm internally having a heart attack about this bug.

This is a lesson to the fam. HAD we celebrated Frank's bday on his actual day I would have NOT come across the baby silverfish crawling across my ceiling.

Actually, you know what, had I celebrated the bday tonight, I probably would have already been in bed by this time and not had seen the little guy, eventually causing him to crawl into my sleeping mouth and make creepy, disgusting babies inside the lobes of my tongue and eventually forcing me to birth silverfish babies never being able to have a human baby of my own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit.

Alright, Family, you win this one.

"It's the Least I Could Do"

2011-09-08T16:08:00.006-04:00

I have a very large cup from which I drink. I hate ending sentences with prepositions and this always makes my sentences sound snobby. "From which I drink" not "which I drink from". And it makes me sound perfect and British but you must not worry!! Cause I'm just fine. Not perfect nor British.

Anyway, this cup from which I drink is a Flyers cup and I had a thought about the cup the other night. The original place from which I received the cup. And I had a laugh to myself.

My first official boyfriend was a treat. And by treat I mean he cheated on me a bunch of times and was incredibly stupid about how to treat a girl. Long story, short.

A few years back when I was dating one of my other useless boyfriends, we were at a Flyers game, watching....the Flyers. I don't really give a shit about hockey as this boyfriend loved hockey. I suggested I'd go get a drink for us. While waiting in line, I saw The Original Ex. I tried to hide myself but apparently the best way to be seen is to avoid being seen. He saunters up to me in his tall, oafish form and gives me a hug and a kiss, tells me I look great, etc. Now, at this point, there is no bad blood as it had been about 3-4 years since we'd broken up. Both have moved on and gone about our lives. So he works at the stadium as one of the managers and sees that I'm waiting in line.

"Oh, what would you like?" - Original Ex
"Um, just wanted a soda or something.." - Me
"Well, here, I'll get you one!" - OE ::grabs one of the extra large Flyers cups that you buy once and it lasts forever and fills it with soda::
"Oh...thanks" - Me
"Sure, I mean it's the least I could do" - OE

The least I could do...
The least I could do...
The least I could do...

It echoed in my head for a few minutes after I walked away. I thought about it for awhile. Later, I realized how funny the statement was. This kid put me through the ringer in terms of awful relationships, made me believe that there was no such thing as love and ruined half of my college life (with the obvious knowledge that it does take two to tango so I had plenty of a part in this). But, yes, Orginal Ex...I guess you hooking me up with a free soda is, in fact, the absolute least you could do.

Irony is my favorite.

Power Couple Application

2011-09-03T12:47:00.004-04:00

This Power Couple Application is conducted as a series of multiple choice and long answer questions. Is it to be completed and sent back to me by EOD September 31st.

1. Would you rather hang out with your significant other for the rest of your life in complete isolation or...not?
A. OMG OMG OMG THEY ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE I CHOOSE YES THEM ALONE FOREVER TIL THE END OF TIME
B. I need a baby. Give me a baby and I'll be fine in isolation with my hunnie <3<3<3
C. What the fuck???
D. I choose not. Absolutely not.

2. What is your definition of a "Power Couple"?
A. A couple of losers!
B. A couple my significant other and I can have sex contests with
C. A couple who is freakin' awesome that I can hang out with while spending time with my own boyfriend/girlfriend
D. A couple with superpowers

3. You consider yourself and your significant other...
A. Boring as fuck
B. A damn good time
C. Way too horny
D. I can't stop cheating

4. The perfect Power Couple date for you would be...
A. Just me and my lovebug, no one else!!!!
B. Hanging with a good, solid and fun group of friends
C. Sex contests
D. Dinner and DRANKS. Or a Movie and DRANKS.

Long Answer Section
1. If you had to choose an animal that you would embody had you been an animal instead of a human, which animal would you be and why? Here's the kick, as this animal you will be forced to eat your own poop, so choose wisely.

2. You're pregnant. All of the sudden. Immaculate conception. Your boyfriend leaves you because you haven't had sex yet in the relationship and he thinks your cheating. Do you join the church cause clearly God knocked you up?

3. You have the choice of watching one TV series over and over again for the rest of your life and that's all you get to watch. Which would you choose and why? Choices: It's Always Sunny (but you can't hear anything), Lost (but you can't see anything), Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (but you can't say anything)

Power Couples Are
Just a couple of people
Who want to hang out

Franklin The Frog

2011-08-01T20:14:00.008-04:00

That's right, I own a frog. CT was man enough to buy me one for my birthday. Although I asked for one of the teeny ones you get at the mall that come in the tiny glass tank and swim around, CT says that they were "boring" and got me a bigger, non-water living frog.

Cute, right?

A bitch to take care of? You have NO idea. So it all started when CT showed up with this adorable little frog and a tank. And some dirt. And a fake cactus. And worms. I did ask for a frog, yes. But to give the girl with Entomophobia (aka 'insectophobia) an animal that feeds off of what she fears the most--probably not the best idea. In addition, the supplies/advice/instruction CT was given from a random Petco, was about as useful as giving AIDS to a bunch of hookers. Basically, what we were told was going to kill the frog. And all those hookers that have AIDS.

I immediately gushed to my co-workers about Franklin (the frog). Everyone gave a similar reaction of 'WTF?' but one co-worker in particular was rather excited as he is a reptile connoisseur. He asked how, I, of all people, could feed this frog crickets. I was confused as the pet store directions was to feed him worms. He laughed at me as I continued to tell him the remainder instruction I was supplied with as to the caring of Franklin. Apparently, it is all wrong. Like, SO wrong. This was the current state I had him in..

I went home in a panic telling everyone that it was not right (as I had assumed from the beginning despite CT's insisting that Franklin would be just fine). Rooms suggested that I go to a local mom and pop pet store to get the real scoop. I did some research, took notes, highlighted items and realized that taking care of Franklin was gonna be a much bigger bitch than I thought (my wistful thoughts of the glass tank frogs at the mall that probably die in a week are a mere glimmer of a memory at this point). THIS is what he ended up receiving:

10 Gallon tank MINIMUM. Change his water. DAILY. And spritz the tank to keep the humidity high. Oh yea, can't be tap water. Must be de-chlorinated water. AND a dozen crickets every few days. AND tank cleaned every 2 days. AND stuff to climb on. AND rinse the moss. With the de-chlorinated water. AND new moss every cleaning. AND temp between 70 and 80 degrees. AND a heat lamp for winter. Jesus. What originally cost CT an average birthday present cost, ended up being about $150+ and ongoing. I fear ever having to move out of Rooms' house due to the fact that this helpful pet store is only a mile away.

It also doesn't help that Franklin is an ungrateful bastard. He tries to escape every single time I clean the tank. I try to reason with him but that doesn't seem to work. Every now and then, Rooms will hear a "Franklin!! COME ON!" or a "FINE GO...SEE HOW LONG YOU SURVIVE" and sometimes "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH OMG" (when the crickets escape). I fear for any future children I may have.

Basically, Franklin owns me. He wins. I lose. For up to about 5 years (how long he can live). No more whimsical birthday presents for me.

Teeny, tiny frogs
So small but quite a handful
I am Franklin's bitch.

3 Strikes on HP Fans

2011-07-27T20:54:00.005-04:00

If you're a Harry Potter fan you should stop reading. Seriously. If you read further and are offended, that's your own damn fault.

Still there???

Alright...you've been warned.

So Harry Potter fans are quite..fanatical. I get that. Most people do. But this Harry Potter season, these freaks take the cake. I was in Florida with a friend and her sisterly clan. They are all wonderful ladies and love the Harry Potter series...as do I. Seems though that none of us loved it enough. We went to Harry Potter World in Universal during the day and oh what a time it twas!

The Sisters and I planned to go to the midnight premiere of HP 7. As we walked into Universal, we passed the movie theater we'd be attending later that night. There was a line at the door. Not many people, just a few HarryPotterans sitting/laying/leaning by the door. Oh, my! Is it sold out??? Oh no, they have tickets...they just want to get an awesome seat for a movie that is TEN HOURS FROM NOW. Strike 1.

When it was time for dinner after a day of sweating, kidnapping small children, and riding fun rides, we ate, drank and were merry. At one point, I utilized the facilities (I took a piss) and there is a HarryPotteran in the bathroom, kind of staring at me, in her HP lookalike school uniform with a huge freak smile on her face. I wash my hands cautiously concerned that I tapped my foot maybe too many times while in the stall. The following is what happened next:

-Did... you... see ...it ...yet?????? ~HP Freak
-See...what?
-Haaaarrrryyy Pottteeerrr???? ~HPF
-Um, I'm going to the midnight premiere if that's what you mean...how did you already see it?
-I'm part of the 'Wizarding Psychopaths of I Have No Time on My Hands and Think Harry Potter is Real' global committee, and we got a pre-screening. OH. MY. GOD. I used a whooooooooole box of tissues I cried so hard~HPF
-----clearly, I'm silent right now-------two more girls come into the bathroom--------
-Did .....you...guys...see..it...yet? ~ HPF
-Harry Potter? ~ Girls
-OH MY GOD....you're goooonna need tissues. I used a whooooooooole box of tissues. ~HPF

I was too afraid to tell her that it's not real. Strike 2. I left the bathroom immediately.

One of The Sisters suggested we get to the premiere early due to the freak line that was waiting since 2:30 in the afternoon. Around 10:30p we decided (after a few drinks and my terribly awkward HPF encounter) to head down to the theater. There isn't a line! Great, may just be a normal evening after all. Not. So. Much. We get into the movie theater. Packed. Filled with robes and wigs and wands and hats and fucking freaks. I wander around trying to find 4 seats in a row. "Are these taken?" became my only vocabulary for the next 10 minutes. I got a 'no' from Dumbledore himself, a few Hogwarts students, and someone who looked nothing like Luna Lovegood but insisted that she was. Everyone who was already sitting was saving seats; 1, 5, 18--they could save as many as they wanted. Where the fuck were the ushers?? We find a seat for 2 out of 4 of us. Then Oldest Sister and I look down towards the front.....there are plenty of seats in the front row. In this ginormous, 3D theater. Fuck me. OS and I head down to the front. We sit down and attempt an upglance at the screen. Yeaaaaa this isn't gonna be good. She grabs her phone and starts to play. My phone's been dead for hours. It's only 11p. I'm over this.
-Wanna go?
-Really? ~OS
- Yea, fuck it. Let's go get a drink and then go back to the hotel and go to bed.
-Ok ~ OS

The rest of the night consisted of us telling anyone who would listen (including a girl who had a quote from the movie TATTOOED ON HER HAND) that we walked on out the final HP premiere.

I have yet to see it.

Rebound Rules

2011-07-27T20:46:00.003-04:00

There are extremely important rules to breaking up. Then, once those rules are completed, IF followed properly, there is a rebound structure that is required. This rebound structure, if not followed can end up in complete chaos. For both you, your ex and your new whatever you've found.

Basically, the race in any break up is to get to a state of 'happy' more quickly and more steadily than the other person (unless you're one of those weirdos who have amiable break-ups and only want the best for the other person). So this is necessary to follow. It's a MUST.

Start with the immediacy of the break up. I've drafted a chart below to give a good idea of how it works:

So as you can see, no one wins. Or, maybe you can't even see this? Goddammit. Click on the picture. It gets bigger...I think

Haiku for breakups:
Happiness is there,
In loveless relationships,
Yes, just stick to them!

A Simple Bathroom Request

2011-07-01T11:51:00.006-04:00

Public Bathrooms are the most awkward places to make pasta.

Public Bathrooms are also the most awkward places in general. But I just have one, simple yet obvious bathroom request. Sounds. NOISE. Music. Birds Chirping. We need something to help us along with our 1's and 2's. ANYTHING. It's pretty uncomfortable when I go into a bathroom and I'm just trying to piss and there is just silence among me and my fellow pissers. Who's gonna start?? Are we racing?? How do I just let it out and make it sound natural? Or there's a pooper in the corner who hasn't moved in over an hour cause people keep coming in and out and god forbid someone hears them. Seriously. Why can't music/noise in a bathroom be the norm?? And the fact that it's all tile so everything has to echo??? COME ON! Don't get me wrong. I love awkwardness more than Toucan Sam loves his goddamn Fruit Loops. But while I'm doing my business is not a time for complete silence. No one wants to hear the slow trickle of the start-up, bursting into a stream of galavanting waste, and then once again returning until it's just a drip drop. Drip. Drop. Drop. Shake it. Wipe it. Done.

Pretty seamless, right? Not when the "Makeup Lady" as I've coined her at work, is standing in front of the mirror putting on every ounce of makeup serviceable to the human face. Perhaps she's from an Amish background in which they are not allowed such a clown face at home. Or maybe her parents won't let her out of the house with makeup. Except at her age, her parents have most likely been underground for 150 years. No seriously, I think they're miners.

Continuing this tangent brings up another woman I've come across in the workplace bathroom. She is "Whack off Woman". The best way to describe her is not actually in any way perverse. She's a rather dowdy chick, with lose clothes and a quiet demeanor. What's NOT quiet about her is the way she washes her hands. Now, those are sounds that are uncomfortable to pee too. Simply put: When she washes her hands, it sounds like a porno is being filmed. Drop Drip--THWAP THWAP THUP THUP THWAP THUP--Shake it. Wipe--THWUP THWUP THWUP THWAP THWAP THWAP--it. Done.

In conclusion, I'd like to speak with all bathroom engineers out there and make a simple, yet sensible request. Bathrooms sounds. Live it, love it, learn it. No, please...let's do this.

Once that fart escapes,
Shame is what is leftover
When you wash your hands

My Two Indians Plus Haikus

2011-07-01T11:16:00.002-04:00

Indians. What is there to say about them? What isn't there to say about them? I have two lovely Indian friends. And they ride magic carpets. No, I swear...that's not just a stereotype. Although, what I've found is that there is no magic here in the US like there is in India. So this presents a problem. My two Indian friends, let's call them P&P, attempt to ride their magic carpets but don't get anywhere. For example, I'll invite them over for a spot of tea or whatever Indians drink and they don't show up. I call after about 3 hours of sitting on the couch crocheting and P&P say to me

"Oh! We are on our way that we is! Si Senor!" and I'm like,
"Ok, that's Spanish, can you please just speak your language?"
"Bang da dang dang dang ding ding"
"Got it!"

Turns out that they were still sitting. On the magic carpet. At their house. Fucking A.

I do tea at their house now.

P&P; a pair
Arranged marriage, if you will
What a culture shock

The Most Hated Animal

2011-06-24T09:23:00.005-04:00

Cats are my favorite animal. And by favorite I mean I fucking hate them.

Growing up, Paula used to buy ceramic animals for each of the children. My one sister got dogs, cause she was the oldest and got the best form of animal there is. The next sister lined up got...birds? Ok, maybe she got the raw end of the deal here. I got cats. By the time I was thirteen, I had enough ceramic cats to start a creepy yet fulfilling menagerie. Whenever I would travel, I'd wrap those cats up one by one in tissue paper and put them neatly in a nestled box I carried with me. Weird, huh? Yea, I didn't do that...at least I don't think I did.

Now, we're onto why I hate cats if I grew up loving my ceramic felines.

One of my exes was genius enough to bring a cat in off the streets. Basically, when this cat wasn't splooging all over the house making it reek of semen and piss, it was scratching up everything it could get its claws on. Now, I've learned my lesson when it comes to men. You can't take them at face value. But cats....I grew up loving cats. I trusted cats. This cat....well, this cat had balls----no literally, he had HUGE balls. And according to "Cats with Balls" cats with balls are out of control. The cat would come over to me and I'd reach out to pet it. I'd get a few strokes in before it would open it's mouth and try to fang my fingers off. Nice. Oh, and let's not forget about the time we came home and on the doorstep Pussy with Balls left a present for his master--something freshly out the womb without hair, covered in blood, and dead as shit. I almost had stepped on it, it was that small. And then Ex had the balls (which weren't nearly as big as the cats) to get mad at me when I was disgusted. Needless to say, the relationship lasted and we're engaged!!!! The cat is going to be our Best Man! And splooge all over the altar and scratch up the pews.

Cats are favorite,
When domesticated
With balls? Not so much.

Things I would do if the world was going to end

2011-05-21T13:43:00.003-04:00

With this much of a warning, you HAVE to be ready. Could we really have lucked out THIS MUCH??? We know, everyone. It's time!

Let's get to what I need to get done today:

-Getting a hold of all of my exes and telling them they were the one and I want them back
-Drive around and play real bumper cars
-Destroy my roommates house with a trident, sledgehammer, and glitter (that shit gets EVERYWHERE)
-Seeing how far I can jog til I pass out
-Jogging far until I pass out and not having my ID on me so I end up dead or in the hospital with no one to find me
-Eating one of my own turds
-Hitchhiking
-Spending all my life savings on euthanizing my cat
-Re-writing all of Gaga's songs with "Tater Tots" as the theme (credited to CT)
-Attempting everything that is originally stated as "Do Not Attempt"
-Rob a bank, drive to AC, blow said money that was robbed
-Try bulimia for the first time
-Get knocked up

...and that's to start!

Oh wait....the world didn't end?

Fuck. me.

Statii That Could End The World

2011-05-21T13:32:00.002-04:00

FB Status: I hate business trips. I hate them more when they kill a great weather-day weekend.
Me: it's ok. The world is ending tonight!

FB Status: anyone wanna form a union hall bocce team with me? there are saturday, sunday, and monday divisions.
Me: You probably won't have to worry about that since the world is ending

FB Status: Gorgeous day! Phillies Game Tonight!! :)
Me: not if the world ends first

FB Status: Made it to San Fran. Seen some strange birds, ate some nasty food and then left for Hawaii.
Me: i sincerely hope the world ending does not get in the way of your trip

FB Status: trying to get my tan on
Me: Good choice. Skin cancer doesn't matter if the world ends

FB Status: doing my happy dance in the corner of the family room
Me: It should be coupled with your "world-ending" dance

FB Status: So besides Blondies "Rapture" what's on your end of the world soundtrack?
Me: Shiny Happy People - REM

FB Status: Let's all share a moment of silence and then snap into a Slim Jim to honor the memory of the Macho Man, Randy Savage. Oooh yeah!
Me: He was smart though. He knew the world was ending

FB Status: at the dentist boooooo.
Me: Teeth don't matter to the rapture

FB Status: Wedding today :) Congratulations Jason & Caitlin!
Me: Too easy

Whose panties are really in a twist and why??

2011-05-21T12:54:00.002-04:00

I bet you're always wondering this. It can be quite difficult to figure out during occurrences such as arguments, ending of friendships, rap battles, etc. Whose panties are really the ones in the twist? As I am aware, this blog is utilized as a ways to a means of advice that your mom never gave you. I get it. Most people are told what they wanna hear. Not me. I'm always told the truth. So all I can do is pay it forward.

The truth.

-Cheater vs Cheatee
Whose panties are really in a twist?? The Cheatee.
Reason: Cause those who get cheated on are weak. Clearly, you're doing something wrong if you're cheated on. I mean...come on now. There's absolutely no way that the Cheater's insecurities about themselves, their relationship, and life in general makes them the bad guy. And who really thinks they just don't have the balls to end a relationship that might be headed to the land of awry?? Who really thinks that the Cheater has intimacy issues and probably needs therapy?? No one. Exactly. Cheatees....YOUR panties are so twisted.

-Murderer vs Murderee
Twisted panties = Murderee. Why would you ever put yourself in a situation in which you could get killed??? Idiot! I bet you just pissed someone off enough to make them go insane, come up with a plot and first degree that shit. Crazy is SO 2011. Get with it.

-Priest vs Altar Boy
Altar Boy, WHAT is your problem??? Strutting around in your too hot to trot church gear. Priests have taken a vow of celibacy. Do you know how hard that can be?! (Pun intended) They not only have to pretend to have endless adoration for something that isn't even tangible, but they can't even scratch that itch. So yea, when you put men into any kind of restrictive situation with a commitment that binds them for the remainder of their time here (raptures aside), I can completely understood where a grown man could not control himself in any way shape or form.

Welp, I think it's safe to say that I'm completely accurate. And your panties are right about now, rather twisted.

Toll Attendant Tales

2011-05-02T21:12:00.007-04:00

This is a true story, but edited for General audiences.

-Me: What is the craziest thing you've seen working here?
-Toll Booth Attendant #5: Hm.....A nude women jumped out the car.
-Me: Wha?? Did she pay??
-Toll Booth Attendant #5: No, it was the passenger. She was angry.
-Me: Oh....um, were they banging??
-Toll Booth Attendant #5: No, but whatever he was doing she wasn't happy with.
-Me: Hmm, ok then. Thank you!

-Me: What is the craziest thing you've seen working here?
-SUPER CUTE Toll Booth Attendant #4: The craziest thing? Aw....I can't tell you that.
-Me: COME ON!!!!!!!!! YOU MOTHER F-*%er!
-SUPER CUTE Toll Booth Attendant #4: Ok, ok. A guy...completely naked going to town on himself.
-Me: That'll do!

-Me: What is the craziest thing you've seen working here?
-Toll Booth Attendant #3: A pig truck upturned and all the pigs got loose.
Unfortunately, that's the best he could do...

-Me: As quickly as you can, tell me the craziest thing you've seen working here.
-Toll Booth Attendant #2: Um....the craziest thing I've ever seen working here?? A girl down under the dashboard giving a guy [a pedicure] with two people sitting in the backseat.
-Me: Wha???
-Toll Booth Attendant #1: Yup.
I didn't get my 20 cents change cause he was distracted by the question, but I'd say worth it.

-Me: As quickly as possible, tell me the craziest thing you've seen working here.
-Toll Booth Attendant #1: .............::silence::...........................Ok, One, a girl pulled out her boobs at me. Two, a guy was uh...::wiggling fingers:: [auditing] his girl and Three a transvestite had a full beard but all this makeup, long nails and everything.
-Me: Did he have exact change?
-Toll Booth Attendant #1: Oh yea.
-Me: Great! Thank you for your time.

A BlueBird's Song

2011-04-12T20:09:00.002-04:00

I always wanna yell "Somebody call 911!" and have them be like "WHY?!?!" and I can be like "Cause shoawty burnin' fire on the dancefloor! WHOA!"

But I'm terrified. What kind of issues could this result in? The following:

1. And the most obvious. Typical boy that cried wolf. Except I'm crying "Somebody call 911!" and someone yells back "WHY?!?!?!?!" and I can be like "Cause shoawty burnin' fire on the dance floor!WHOA!"
2. What if while I say this, there is actually someone out there burning on a dance floor? And I CAUSED IT at the mere thought and observation of the fact.
3. What if, Rooms, hears me (in the scenario I've imagined time and time again) and instead of yelling "WHY?!?!?" she immediately calls 911. Cause not everyone is going to wonder what the emergency is and will most likely instead assume it IS an emergency so there is no fucking time for conversation you idiot!
4. What if, Rooms, says "WHY??!?!" and it's a real emergency and I have to yell "There is no fucking time for conversation you idiot!" And then my roommate feels slighted. And that she feels like an idiot. And then I get kicked out of the house.

Probably not.

'What if' is my life
'What is wrong with you?' is yours
'I don't know' I say.

moLESTER

2011-04-07T21:27:00.005-04:00

Have you ever been involved in a hit and run??? How about where someone hit your car and ran, but didn't actually move the car??? Yea...let's call this moron "fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs".

Before I even moved in with Rooms I parked outside her place, for a visit, so nicely and delicately, we go to the bar, I come home to someone's car on top of mine. Touching, making love, dry-humping, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. The bastard hit my car, left it against mine, and then went home and went to bed.

Immediately, I call the police, he writes a report, etc etc. The end. "fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs" is none the wiser. Probably by the time he rolled his fat ass out of bed I was gone. Living my life during the day as humans do. And not orangutans or whatever the fuck this guy is.

My car insurance company which rhymes with Bike-Ho helped me set up a claim and told me they'd go after this guy. August 6th, 2010. Remember this date. You wanna know why this date is so important? Because it's not. AT ALL. Fucking piece of shit Bike-Ho never did anything except get ignored by "fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs"' insurance company and tell me that he denied it.

Alright, he wins. I lose. I move on.

But now....now...this motherfucker is haunting me. Turns out, once I move into Rooms' house, he lives on the corner. With his mother. I get to see his car EVERYDAY EVERYDAY. I avoid where I park just to avoid his car. I think so far I've been able to avoid him parking near me.

I've thought of all sorts of things I could do to the bastard to get him back. I decide that since Karma never liked me (along with all of my friend's girlfriends) I wouldn't mess with it. Leave it be. Harmony.

Today. April 7, 2011. Almost 8 months to the day. I enter the grocery store at which I shop regularly.

""fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs!"" I hear as I enter the store (that name is like a fucking dog whistle to my ears). I turn.....I see...it.....oh my god. This fat, greasy, long-haired, ugly, disgusting piece of monkey balls. Rooms and I just saw this bastard in the parking lot. I finally see what he looks like. And realize that I wasn't far off from what I imagined. Greasy, Roxborough Trash. He fucking WORKS there. At the grocery store. At MY grocery store.

"fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY "fatgreasypieceofmonkeyballs" WWWHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Now what?

Waiting

2011-04-07T21:06:00.003-04:00

Hikaru Take #1:

7:30p Show up for reservations at 7:30p for 11 people. No reservations reserved. Despite calling twice. Ah, well. It is a Saturday night..maybe there was a mix-up?

8:00p Seated after kicking another table of 11 fresh out their seats.

8:15p Drinks? Should we get any??? Yea, it's time to order them though.

8:30p Boy am I thirsty...too bad only 3 of us got actual drinks so far...thanks for the half-ass round of drinks. Can I get some sake? Or perhaps some tap water? Forget it, I'll drink from the sink in the bathroom.

9:00p Oh boy! Already time to order??? Hm....I'll have the Samsonite Roll, the Philly Roll, and this delicious appetizer. More sake please!

9:30p Wow...good looking appetizers! Seems like there's not much to go around though. Sake-it to me! hHAHHAHHAHAHahhahhahaa

10:00p Oh, the food's here..GREAT! FINALLY! I'm starved!! Ok..here's my Samsonite Roll....oh...no Philly Roll? Oh wait, you forgot 5 dishes total amongst this table??? Yea, might wanna go put those in right now. Dude, I'm fucking hammered, no more sake! FOOD FOOD.

10:20p Good, here comes the rest of our food! Oh...no Philly Roll?? K. Yea, I wanted the Philly Roll. You weren't sure?? Yea. please.

10:35p Guys, I'm glad you all enjoyed your meals. Oh the Philly Roll is coming out soon?? Ok.

10:45p Can we just get the check?? Oh, my Philly Roll is still on it's way out??? I CAN SEE WHERE YOU MAKE THE SUSHI. THAT IS NOT ACCURATE. I WANT THE FUCKING CHECK.

11:00p IWANNALEAVEIWANNALEAVEIWANNALEAVEIWANNAFUCKINGLEAVE

Hikaru Take #2:

7:30p Wow, only three other tables! Shouldn't be so bad.

7:45p Not bad....got the drinks and water in time. Now it's time for some sake.

8:00p Alright....where are the veggie eggrolls we ordered?? He did say they were pretty big...takes some time I guess.

8:15p Oh wow....these eggrolls are...not big at all. Wow. Well, could this perhaps be a repeat of last time?? But Rooms, there's no tables in here!

8:35p Our food is here! Great. Let's eat--finally got my goddamn Philly Roll!

8:55p That wasn't really that good at all. I've waited a month for my goddamn Philly Roll and it wasn't really that good at all. Let's do dessert!

9:15p Yes, I'm sure I want dessert, Rooms! I've digested everything I've ever put into my system at this time. Yum look at this dessert coming our way!

9:18p I love fried bananas yes I do!! Oh look, garnished with an entire orange cut into slices! I should try one. Oh....OOOOohOHOhoHOhhHOh What the fuck?? Rooms, what did you say??? Onions???? You know the smell cause you bath in them nightly?????

9:20p I can't believe these oranges taste like onions. Who stores those two things next to each other?!?!?!

9:30p CHECK AND IM LEAVING AND I CAN'T EVEN BE MAD BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME IT'S SHAME ON YOU AND THE SECOND TIME IT'S MY OWN GODDAMN FAULT I GET!!!

Friend Custody

2011-03-22T19:26:00.003-04:00

Sometimes when there are break-ups, there are casualties. Usually the casualty is a broken heart. But in certain cases, there are friends who are torn between sides and often, need to choose. Now, this is not always the case if you are mature in your breakups and no one is bothered by the breakup and everyone is happy as clams. How happy are clams anyway? Not so happy while being digested in your system I bet. Well, in any case, at times of friend custody, I usually am lucky enough to come out with my friend(s) of choice. Here's a few tips to gain the friend you've wanted in your custody battles:

1. Be FUN--Seriously. That's first and foremost in how to gain custody. This especially helps if your ex is terribly boring.
2. Don't be a girl--This one is the most difficult for me. Not because I have a penis--er I mean, don't have a penis.........moving on... A lot of being a girl consists of oversensitivity, pettiness, and hormones. Lots and lots of hormones. Just suck it up. Pretend what's going on on the outside is usual behavior and what's going on on the inside doesn't exist. Block it out. Take Vicodin. Drink.
3. Let the friend be the one to decide--The best part about rule #1 is that if this comes easily, #3 will fall into place quickly and smoothly.
4. Be patient--While the friend is making this tough/not so tough decision, you must be supportive of all avenues.
"It's ok, I understand you want to hang out with someone who cheated on me."
"Ooohhh I completely am cool with you still talking to him...his horrible breathe will definitely help you pick up some ladies"
5. Or, you could just not give a shit about any of it. That works.

Friendship custody
I am sometimes a winner
You can be one too!

The Scariest Thing EVER

2011-03-02T17:27:00.003-05:00

Toe Socks.

That's about all there is to it. Toe socks.

They hug the toes. They are in between the cracks and crevices that smell and hold fungus and dead bodies and all sorts of crusty unnaturally things. Toe socks. They cultivate this kind of dirtiness. They promote insanity in a sane world of toe. Toes were always meant to be together. And next to each other. Like, when you put toe socks on, I bet the toes are like WTF, where is my buddy?! Where did he go??? SO not only are you disgracing society when you put those nasty, terrifying things on your feet, but you also are causing separation anxiety to your toes! When toes are not happy, your balance is not happy. Think about it.

Moral of the story is: Do not wear toe socks. Or you might never see your toes (or me) again.

The Worst Chore Ever

2011-02-26T15:55:00.002-05:00

Doing Dishes???

Nope. Horrible, but not the worst. Once they are clean there is a sense of relief that only comes with dishes.

Cleaning the Toilet????????
Not even the worst. I mean, I'm not looking to stick my tongue down there but a clean toilet makes for a clean ass makes for a happy person. Endless results.

FOLDING AND PAIRING THE GODDAMN SOCKS. It is awful. I get anxious just thinking about it. Jeans are no problem. Bras and undies just get tossed into the appropriate drawer. But SOCKS. My back hurts after I fold socks. It's the half bend over my bed with the darting eyes searching for the friends that they probably will never pair up with again. Such a sad story. There's not enough that I can say about folding socks. I dread it. When I do my laundry I save them for last because you never know where you're gonna find one. Stuck within the folds of a sweater or perhaps wrapped around some statically charged leggings. Sometimes I even find socks within socks within socks. OMG. I hate it. Every minute of it.

So, unfortunately, I've had to force myself into a solution because pairing up socks is such a nightmare. I talk to them. To my socks. What of it? Back off! I don't see you coming up with solutions for the chores that you hate the most. I cheer them on. And pair and fold as quickly as possible. A sock conversation may go something like this:

"Come on guys......alright, buddy, where's your friend? The one with the yellow tip [that's what she said]? How about the green colored guy? Nope, he's not your friend, silly!! You're a plain white sock, how could he be your buddy?! HA THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
::throws all socks to the floor and begins to sob hysterically::

How awkward that I just told you this. And how uncomfortable that it is true.

Folding socks-WHAT HELL,
Why can't they pair up themselves??
Makes me quite insane.

The Five Stages of Traffic

2011-02-22T22:55:00.003-05:00

1. Denial
"No way is this happening right now. It's 9:30pm on a freakin' Tuesday night. This is NOT happening. It must be a fluke. I'm sure it'll clear up in a minute"

2. Anger--10 minutes later
"What the FUCK is going on?!? COME OONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. MOVE YOU FUCKING STUPID CARS. MERGE INTO THE ONE LANE. IT'S SO FUCKING EASY. FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS. No wait...fuck ME for not checking traffic. I'm such an asshole!" ::Looks in mirror:: "You hear, me you piece of shit!!!! I HATE YOU!!"

3. Bargaining--15 minutes later
"Ok, ok, what if I hop lanes? Look at all those people moving in the right lane...they MUST be getting somewhere. Seriously, ok let's try this...this will be the end of it. If I hope lanes this will be the end. Oh, Jesus, I promise to pay my taxes this year, just let me get home!"

4. Depression--20 minutes later
"That was a worthless decision. I am worthless. My phone is dying. I am dying. My car is dying. Death.....is dying."

5. Acceptance--25 minutes later
::Dancing to 'Dirty Bit' by Black Eyed Peas on repeat and singing at the top of lungs::

5 stages of grief,
Over and over again
60 minute drive.

FOR THE LOVE OF EX

2011-02-10T06:23:00.005-05:00

Ex Girlfriends love me. LOVE me. So much so that they can't even move on with their lives before getting all up in my boyfriend grill. Even when I don't pose any sort of threat they cling to whatever relationship they've had with their ex. And it's so sad. So, so sad. It takes the female gender back. Come on, ladies! Take the independence shake for breakfast.

Anyway, you might think to yourself..'Oh, I deal with the same thing'. You don't. TRUST. Have you ever had an ex-girlfriend fake a pregnancy to get the boyfriend that you're currently dating back? I didn't think so.

Now, this isn't anything to brag about. I do not enjoy my popularity amongst the ladies. It's more just a question of not understanding why it even happens. One time, there was a girl who had actually moved on and was, in fact, ENGAGED, to the boy she cheated on my current dude with and she had to get involved. "Are you happy?" were some of the things she had drunkenly texted him with. "Do you hate me?" etc. Um, you broke the kid's heart. I'd say.....yes? And just when he begins to move on you gotta get involved again just to make sure you still have some level of influence on the kid's life. Another one, which is one of my favorites: ex-girl expects the boyfriend to feel guilty that he moved on when she dumped him. Granted, she dumped the kid cause he was a total douchebag the entire relationship so I get it---to a certain extent. She should have moved on and never shown her face again. How embarrassing.

My favorite was the one who infiltrated the night I was away for the weekend helping raise money for kids with cancer. KIDS. WITH. CANCER. Do you have no soul??? I was attempting to save a child's life and she ends being that girl. She wins!!

I, on the other hand, am the best ex-girlfriend in the world. I don't even talk to the dude anymore. At all. There is no need. There is a reason you're my ex. PLUS, unless the girl is crazy fucking secure (which, at this age, isn't possible) why would I even want to delve into that mess of potential drama?

A haiku of advice:
Ladies, it's over.
Let's think about our actions.
Try moving on now.

Safe Sex

2011-01-24T21:06:00.006-05:00

SEA MONKEYS. Well??? What do you think??? I know. It gets me hot too. So what brings sea monkey sex to the mind, you ask? When I was in college, we were not allowed any sort of pet in our dorm rooms. The best way to resolve this was, of course, to purchase sea monkeys. It had been my first time so I was unsure of what to expect. So I read the directions, set up the plastic case and grew those bitches!

It was pretty fucking boring to put it mildly. As I sat at my desk wondering where else I could be aside from doing homework, I gazed at the sea monkeys wondering when they would start to do something...anything. I know!! Let's get them to bang!

Throughout that evening, I attempted some love music to put these monkeys in the MOOD; starting with Celine Dion-----Nothing.

How about Rod Stewart?

Nothing.

Richard Marx????

Nothing.

Sigh.

I went about my college business and gave up on the sea monkeys. They'll bone when they want I guess?

A few days later, I was listening to some music on the computer. System of a Down comes on. As I hum the angry words of 'Toxicity', I notice something. Something...strange. A large portion of my sea monkeys were..attached to each other. WHAT! WHAT! Sea monkeys bang to hardcore music?! Genius.

For days on end I would play anything that would get those sea monkeys up and in! Korn! Staind! Disturbed! Oh my! Those monkeys were banging like there was no tomorrow. Pairs, triplets, quadruplets of fucking sea monkeys everywhere in that tiny plastic case!

What wonderful sex!
These sea monkeys were having!
Too bad they all died

Why Adults Such as Myself Should Wear a Diaper

2011-01-20T09:15:00.002-05:00

-Cause who doesn't love sitting in their own piss and shit?!?!?
-When dreaming about having to pee and dreaming about relieving myself, I can actually do so and not have to wake myself up to do so....or pee my bed like usual
-No need to get up from my desk. Ever.
-The guys will loooooove the extra padding in my bootay!
-Ultimate Laziness
-When I'm working out and have to use facilities, I can instead, keep working out
-Pooping will no longer be messy....except in my pants

Downside:
-Having to change the diaper (optional)
-Sitting in your own piss and shit

Clearly, this is smart
Since the pros outweight the cons
So it's diaper time!

How to Interrupt Facebook

2011-01-06T22:10:00.004-05:00

A Friend's Facebook Status:
Tooth pain is the worst! I've been awake since 2am...can't wait for my appointment on Friday.
---Karen: sorry to here, tooth pain is the worst. Get on line and Google natural cure for tooth pain. Something will work, you'll be surprised.
---Colleen: Hi!! I think there's something called clove or clove oil that is supposed to help the pain. Google it!! Hope you feel better :-)
---Debbi: Hey Clove s do work but I saw a new product in Walgreens the other day and it looks like it might work , have you tried ambesol it works good, there is nothing worse than a toothache. Feel better
---Me: at least your urethra doesn't burn when you pee!
---Deborah: anbesol,helps sometimes. good luck
---Samantha: nothing worse than that... i was at the dentist today:(

A Friend's Picture:
Should I be concerned the beer looks like this???
---Angela: hahahaha!
---Adam: Penny drinks at Roosevelt's? LOL
---Me: are you sure you're not at the doctor's and you didn't just pee in a cup?
---Chad: My concern is that you are still drinking beers out of plastic. Now that I'm in the Iladelph we will have to change this.

A Friend's Status:
Still not feeling so great
---Me: but you're engaged!

A Friend writing on Another Friend's Wall:
I'm hosting a Pickle Party at my parents' house on Sat, Jan 29. Can you be there/is this enough notice/please say yes. and thank you.
---Kolleen: I'll be there no matter what dearie!!!!
---Monica: great, thanks for your RSVP. I gotta estimate how many lbs of cukes we're gonna need!
---Me: Pickle Party meaning dicks?
---Courtney: Monica!!! Of course you do this when I am away. Can u please mail me an assortment!?!? I'll pay for the shipping.
---Monica: Yep, a Dick Party at my parents house. We're gonna play a game i like to call Hide the Pickle.
---Monica: courtney, i have to get you some pickles somehow!

A Friend's Status
hot date with lisa turtle
---Me: Like in your bedroom watching by yourself?
---Mike: Talk nice nen

My Roommate is Evil

2011-01-06T21:47:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm a dick. I know. It's been awhile. But aside from the three people that read this, are you really that mad at me for not writing as often? It turns out life is way more important than making your friends laugh through super long paragraphs of hilarity. I prefer to do quick spurts of it through Facebook statii nowadays. (I SAID SPURTS THATS GROSS)

My roommate is a bitch. A beeyotch even. She is evil.

Let's start at the beginning, a long long time, in a land far far away. Actually, it was three months when I first moved in with Rooms and it was in our basement. I flooded it. Flooded. Just a little!--ok a decent amount. I did some wash and there's this sink that I accidentally plugged up and flooded the basement. The good news is that I cleaned it up. But...strike one.

Next, there was my famous punch-buggy punch that I gave Rooms.....um, right after she had a flu shot. WHOOPSIES! Strike two.

And last but certainly not least was the chipped tooth. Oh, the chipped tooth. At a bar, Lady Gaga was on and I like dancing to it. Rooms like's drinking straight from the glass while I like dancing to Lady Gaga. My head met glass and made her tooth and nose meet glass. Glass = 2; Rooms' tooth and nose = 0. Strike, oh my god I'm getting evicted.

But Rooms is intelligent. A sort of genius, if you will. She does something much worse than get mad. Or yell. Or kick me out of the house.

She sucks my soul out at night.

Seriously. I swear. Here's how I know. She's been doing and achieving all of the things I used to be able to do. For example, she goes to the gym now and performs wonderfully and often. I have kinda been sucking at the gym since a few sicknesses came aboard. Next, she is hooking up with guys aplenty. Like old single me used to!! I mean, I'm getting her scraps here and there but I used to rule the guy makeout train. Now, she parked it in her station! Granted, I may not be getting guys to do the largeness of my body but that's besides the point!! Don't you see?!?!?!

Rooms is so evil,
Sucking out my soul in bed,
Hm. That sounds quite gay.

A Bastard Day

2010-12-25T15:05:00.004-05:00

This Christmas was a bit different. Well...is a bit different since it's still happening. In mass yesterday evening, while trying not to pass out from the extreme amount of people who clearly only attend once a year, I came to a realization. The fat priest my whole family hates (since he basically ruined my sister's wedding) read this gospel that was about Balthazar being the father of Abraham who was the father of Gonzo, who was the father of Isaac, who slept with a boy who had a cousins' twin named Jesus.

Something along those lines. Anyway, all of the sudden, it hit me.

Jesus is a bastard child.

All my life I believed something to be a Christmas miracle. And during the gospel, the fatty priest mentions that Joseph tried to divorce Mary quietly. Why??? Cause he thought she was a big ho of course!! She got knocked up all of the sudden by GOD. GOD??? Like Joe's gonna believe that one. But, he goes along with it. I mean, does it really matter that he's not Mary's baby's daddy??? Lotta faith right there, good ol' Joey.

But, guys, Jesus is a bastard. And I'm not calling him an asshole. He was born by two unmarried parents. Granted, God's semen should probably surpass all laws of bastardism but it's something that has tainted my entire Christmas spirit from this point forward.

So in honor of Jesus being a bastard, next Christmas I will have one. A Jesus of course. How hard is it to get knocked up by God??

Right????

Right??????

Hibernation

2010-12-19T15:04:00.005-05:00

So get this. I'm walking with Rooms and CT home from a bar. And It's chilly out. Really freakin' chilly out. So we start the talk of hibernation. Basically it started like this...

Rooms: I'm cold!
Me: I'm not cold cause I got these extra layers of fat all up in my grill.
Rooms: Oh, so you store your fat like bears do in hibernation?
Me: Um, what?
Rooms: Yea, they get fat in the winter time by eating a lot of food first and then store that fat to be used while they hibernate. How do you think they survive?
Me: I always thought it involved something having to do with magic?
Rooms: That's why when they come out of hibernation they're so skinny.
::Light bulbs::
Me: Great! I'm going to hibernate! How do I do that??

So jealous. Come on!! Bears get to have all the fun! They intimidate the hell out of people, eat everything in sight, never have to worry about their figure, and then get to sleep for a shitload of time during cold season!

Bears are so lucky
They get to sleep for so long
And EAT to do so!

Christmas is a lie...well at least White Christmas is

2010-12-19T13:18:00.004-05:00

'White Christmas' So tell me, at first sight, what would you expect from a movie such as this?

"Well, Nens, I'd assume that this movie has to do with a White Christmas. And potentially people dressing like Santa and then singing about it. Oh! And Bing Crosby is in it??? Then, yea dude. It's gotta be Christmas carols ALL. THE. WAY!"

What would you do if I told you that this "Christmas" movie, with a title that contains the holiday name, a movie cover that has everyone on it dressed in Santa gear, and with a celebrity whose career is still well-known to this day due to the awesome Christmas songs he has sung--this movie, has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.

There is a Christmas song sung in the beginning. And a Christmas song sung in the end.

And in between, there is a whole bunch of plot that neither involves nor surrounds Christmas. What. the. fuck. It's basically a year of someone's life in what seems like a 3 hour movie starting in December and ending in December. Simple as that. Adding the holiday for the convenience of the fact that it's been a year. And it's Christmas time. Twice.

Being the Christmas-cheery person that I am, I suggest to Rooms that we host a Christmas movie extravaganza! We watch this movie, both for the first time in anticipation of Bing Crosby's warm winter greetings and perhaps a little sashaying to some jolly tunes.

False. All of it. False. While the movie is a good one, and has a start to finish story that is very well executed, you know, except for making the viewer think that it's a movie about Christmas.

A Haiku about fake Christmas movies that put Christmas in their title and atmosphere in order to drive viewership and revenue:
Christmas Movies-HOT!
Christmas Movies pretending,
How 'bout fucking NOT.

Cialis Makes You Bone

2010-11-21T21:49:00.005-05:00

What's up with all the Cialis ads as of late? I mean we get that it helps old mans penises stay up to bone, but the imagery in these commercials is just ridiculous. I saw an ad with a tent being pitched BY ITSELF. As the couple walks, this tent is just being pitched. Like a huge boner after you take Cialis. OH MY GOD I GET IT!!!

And then there was this one commercial where as the couple is holding each other, water cascades down onto rocks. Like boners cascading into vaginas of course! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

And then how they have two bathtubs at the end of the commercial when those old people hold hands. Who even holds hands in separate bathtubs anymore?? When you can BANG. Long and with a boner. In two bathtubs. While holding hands.

Why can't Cialis just get to the point??? A tagline line like "Huge Boners. Last Longer- Cialis" or perhaps a storyboard for a commercial that basically has a couple making out ...hardcore not even necessary. And then all of the sudden a scorned violin plays. The guy says "Whoops! Not again!" The girl sighs. The guy pulls out a Pez dispenser that holds Cialis, pops one, trumpets blare and the guy slams the woman down on the bed, rips off all her clothes then just bangs. Closing line "Cialis-Pop One and Then Pop One" Screen goes black.

I'm gonna call their agency and see what they think.

Do you want to bang?
And are you quite much older?
Pitch tent the right way!

Facebook No Longer Uses Grammer

2010-11-21T20:57:00.002-05:00

Dude. Have you seen Facebook lately??? If you're as familiar with it as I am, then you know that the status was always in sentence form. See below:

Melissa Nenna needs to poop real loud.

NOW, it's a fucking mess. No longer are the days in which I can rehash my biggest Facebook pet peeve (aside from the constant complaining, counting down the days to the weekend, the multiple pictures you take of yourself on your camera with your arm showing, you displaying your drama all ova the place) of people not making their statuses flow grammatically. This is no longer because this is the layout now:

Melissa Nenna
's balls are showing.

See????? It doesn't even flow! But...I feel free now. I'm actually able to speak in first person on Facebook statii. It's amazing. I just had a bit of a spaz out and multiplied my statusing by 12.

But, you don't really care, do you?

You're the best, around!
Nothing's ever gonna keep
Me from first person.

Why I'm Part Freak

2010-11-20T15:33:00.004-05:00

There is a reason I must post a pic of SpiderMAN and not an actual spider. I'm terrified of them. All insects even. When I was younger I used to cry when bugs would come about. I'd scream out to one of my parents to come and get it, kill it, make sure it suffered. "Is it bigger than you??", they'd always ask. Um, no but that doesn't mean I wanna curl up next to it and cuddle. Besides if it was bigger than me I could at least shut my door to keep it out. Or notice right away that my room is being taken over by an extremely large bug.

So I came up with this crazed solution to sleep comfortably and not have to freak out everytime I see a bug. I would check my room. Before I went to bed. Every night. Yea. Every. Night. I'd start with behind my door and work my way around my room checking behind curtains, furniture and under my bed. All corners and crevices of the floor and ceilings. Totally effective. And really fucking weird. It became a nightly ritual that I finally stopped doing when I turned 25. Now, I just wake up and know there is a bug there (see Spidey Sense). Rooms to the rescue!

Another nightly ritual that I admitted recently to myself and others that I feel is not completely necessary to dedicate an entire blog to especially because it's quite embarrassing, is that I used to pick my nose and wipe my boogers on the wall. And no, this wasn't recent. I was like, 5. Times 4... My mom would yell at me when she saw it. Apparently, that's disgusting?

Spiders in the house
and boogers wiped on the wall
blend in together

No Shit Statistics

2010-11-20T14:43:00.002-05:00

Rooms likes interesting facts. So much so that she feels the need to constantly post things on my facebook wall. Such as how much she creeps on me. And stupid statistics.

For example, last week she sent me an article on "Why party animals are always sleepy?" And this leads to multiple questions. A. Do I give a shit? and B. Um, I'm pretty sure anyone who's not a beast of sorts can figure this out. Party animals are always sleepy because they sit still and don't go out at night? Exactly. One upped your stupid article and figured it out on my own.

Another one: apparently kids that dislike school tend to drink more...oh and drinking leads to more sex.

WAIT A MINUTE, so you're telling me that when people drink and they lose their inhibitions, they might have more sex???? SO what you're saying is less inhibitions may lead to more sex. HMMMMMMMMMM. While interesting.. um....no shit? I see the article was penned by Captain Obvious.

So in honor of these no shit statistics I've decided to declare a few of my own:

-People who paint themselves green will more likely stand out amongst a crowd.
-If you eat more McDonald's, you may gain weight...or clog up your arteries.
-Those who tend to drink less water have more headaches.
-If you walk into an alley and take off your pants, you may get raped.
-Sometimes, dogs poop.
-If you charge your cell phone, it tends to work more efficiently.
-Puppies normally grow up to be dogs; except in the case that they are not puppies, but kittens.
-If you stare a gift horse in the mouth, you may get your nose bitten off.
-Praying to Jesus will immediately get you into heaven.

and many, many more.

Just go to Amazon.com and look up my new book "No Shit Statistics: A Story of The Obvious"

The Roommate Part 3 - A Series

2010-11-09T20:29:00.003-05:00

Rooms is so great so far!! Despite the extreme verbal abuse from my last post things have been going pretty well.

We've got this rice game. It began when I dropped my phone in a rushing curbside puddle of water. Gloriously. When I dropped it I watched it for just a second, thinking about babbling brooks and how the sounds of rushing water makes me feel smooth inside and also associated with having to use the facilities. Then I realized, it was raining and miserable out and I need to get my goddamn phone out the water before it dies.

Grabbed it, googled it, riced it. My phone sat in a bag of rice for about 24 hours. Moisture gone, phone working, SUCCESS!

Next step, what the fuck do I do with this bag of rice?

HIDE IT SOMEWHERE FOR ROOMS TO FIND OF COURSE! Since then we have been having rice wars. Although we've been hiding it so well that hints need to be supplied eventually. Hopefully, with the thousands of years I plan to live with her, we'll get to know each other to a point where patience happens and we just let the rice lie until it's found.

But what a wonderful Rooms she is!! She cooks for me!! COOKS FOR ME. Well...cooks for herself and gives me leftovers, like I'm a dog. It's wonderful!

OH OH and today...I asked if I could put my soap on the shelf with her soap and not on the bottom of the shower where it wastes away quickly due to rushing water and she said I could!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH OH OH and she opens the door for me every night when I get home and have multiple bags in hand and am scrambling for my keys! There she is!! My Rooms! Shaking her head at the door cause I'm such a bumbling fool!

OH OH and today I was doing my laundry down the basement and I wanted to take all of my workout clothes off so I could wash them. And she let me run past her naked in the living room so I could get to my bedroom. She kept her eyes closed THE WHOLE TIME! What a gentleman!! Except of course when I held the hamper in front of me and told her how funny I looked.

We dance at midnight
Sometimes when flowers bloom-ed
Oh Rooms! What a joy!!

Philosophize This!

2010-10-31T22:08:00.004-04:00

An extremely fun part of my LA experience was that I got to meet a real live philosophy graduate student. If I didn't think LA was full of enough pretentious people, well, this helped push it past the point of.....pretentious.

I have actually met philosophy grad students before. One of which, back when I was at Penn State waitressing at the good ol' college diner, asked me what the meaning of life was. I stood there, dirty plates in hand, ready to reload the napkin holder thinking to myself 'what the fuck can I say to this kid to get him to shut up/make myself look semi-smart/get me to my next table faster?' I had nothing. I think I just asked him what it was...I really don't remember. All I remember is the snicker, that turned into a cackle of sorts. I think at some point as I stood there watching him laugh at me, I felt a bit of burger juice running down my wrist. Um, ok. I guess I was wrong??

Bad taste in mouth for philosophy from that day forward.

So this poor, poor kid that I met in LA just had a few questions coming. Doctor Tall introduced me and this kid (I completely forget his name--what's in a name? what IS a name? WHY is a name?) and he seemed like a pretty nice guy. But did he? How was I to know? How do I know what I know? After a few minutes, I bring up the problem I have with philosophy people. I tell him the story and basically ask him to help me believe that all philosophers are not douches. It went something like this:

Philosopher Douche: What are you?
Me: Huh? I'm a person.
Philosopher Douche: But, what are you?
Me: I'm a human being.
Philosopher Douche: But, what ARE you?
Me: OOOOOOOO we're gonna go this fucking route.

This same question continued until Struggling Actor (who was also someone I know in LA) frustratingly jumped in and started screaming about how Ab Lincoln was molested and that he turned out to be a good guy despite all that. I think at some point I yelled a few things at the kid telling him to "Philosophize This!" with my middle finger in the air and that he should go philosophize himself but eventually they both started talking nonsense and my 83% on my ADD test kicked in. I walked away to play Whitney Houston 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody' on the jukebox and forget that I even met that kid.

Try to not refute
When I tell you, you're a douche
Instead, you prove it!

Hallo-don't-be-a-weener

2010-10-31T19:23:00.004-04:00

I've decided on this All Hallow's Eve, in tradition of what people used to actually do, is honor dead people. First, I'll start by going to Rita's. While Rita's has nothing to do with dead people, except when you put them in iceboxes after you chop them up into little tiny pieces in a bowl right next to your container of Rita's, it is Rita's official last day. Just having moved in with Rooms and being a block away from a Rita's, we decide there is nothing more Ween-y then having an ice-cold celebration of sorts. Afterwards, I will sit in a bathtub filled with ice and play dead so I don't have to go to work tomorrow, get my dad my life insurance money and move along with my holiday.

Since this holiday only involves dead people, in order to keep the kids away, I plan to dress up as a zombie and attempt to eat their brains once they come to the door. This is the only way to ensure that kids will not longer associate candy with Halloween, but death. Another cheap and profitable way to drill this into kid's minds is by giving them candy filled with razorblades. This will most definitely remind those greedy little bastards of the dead. Parents need not be alarmed because the only way these kids can get to the razorblade-filled candy is if they get past my Michael Vick-raised pitbull dressed as a ghost, locked up in the front yard. Which of course, they will only get to this pitbull if they hop the fence lined with highly-electroding wires. But obviously, they'll only get to the fence if they get past the extreme molestating Michael Jackson lookalike dressed up at the front gate.

BRING IT, WEEN! BRING IT!

Halloween is dead,
Leaves, costumes, and candy-filled,
It is SO last year.

The Roommate Part 2 - A Series

2010-10-31T11:30:00.002-04:00

Rooms and I decided to begin our own sorority. It involves hazing. My hazing thus far has included having to bring strange boys home, getting a nasty cold, showering in the backyard and joining a nudist colony. Rooms' hazing has included finding a bag of rice that I have hidden deeply in her items in her room. Thus far I see no parallels.

Many people have made bets on how long this roommationship will last. Because we both have a tendency to hate our roommates, boyfriends, etc, most people have thought that despite us knowing each other for over 10 years, we wouldn't last more than a week, a month, a year. Well, no one said a year. Because that would be too much faith in our living together.

So far I've had a lot of trouble with Rooms. Aside from the hazing she's done a few things which with I'm not too happy. For example, the other night when I finally came home to get some rest from my unLAwful experience (see...um, yesterday), she not only demanded that I attend the bar with her and a friend, she pushed me up against the wall and stated something along the lines of this-- "I SWEAR TO GOD YOU MOTHER FUCKING PUSSY--IF YOU DON'T GO OUT, NOT ONLY WILL I KICK YOU OUT ON THE STREET AND CALL IN THE TRASHMEN TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR ASS, I'LL ALSO TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE A NASTY DISEASE SUCH AS SHINGLES OR PERHAPS CHOLERA" I was terrified into submission. I showered quickly threw some clothes on and tried to look my best for Rooms. After a rough weekend, this morning I walk down the stairs and there she is...eating some French Toast. How delicious and wonderful. She throws the plate over my head and says "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT???? YOU WANT SOME FRENCH TOAST???? WELL MAYBE I WOULD HAVE FUCKING MADE YOU SOME HAD YOU WOKEN UP ON TIME, YOU STUPID LAZY FAT BITCH"

Roommate- a nice girl
Or so that's what you all think
Abuse is my friend

an unLAwful experience: Part 3

2010-10-30T21:30:00.005-04:00

A few realizations about LA

-It is 3 hours behind. And with that, you live each day twice. For example, when it's 2p, it's the end of the work day in Philly. Yay! Then at 5p it's the end of the work day in LA. Yay! Amazing.

-There is an abundance of VW Beetles driving around LA which leads to extreme violence (see Punch Buggy (Color))

-Stuccoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

-The weather is way better there than pretty much anywhere else...stupid anywhere else

-The Homeless don't like you glancing over your shoulder when they spit. Once you do glance over your shoulder, they will, while in their bare feet, tell you that you're the White Devil and that you need to wear a headband. I'm sorry homeless lady but I will not take any fashion advice from you. If you can't find a job, then you certainly can't tell me how to dress!

-Either the traffic lanes are much smaller or every car is always on the verge of changing lanes

-Everyone is a either a struggling actor or just plain struggling

-There is a ghetto on every corner, especially in Hollywood

-Little Caesars ups LA's status by 5 points on my scale

-People that have Tourette's Syndrome are apparently really good at oral

-Famous people are just not around

-Mulholland Drive looks exactly like the movie but still doesn't make any sense

Haiku about LA--

LA-what a time,
Rich and vast and full of grime!
Haikus-they don't rhyme.

an unLAwful experience: Part 2

2010-10-30T18:06:00.004-04:00

I hate karaoke. Always have. Always will. It's annoying when you're watching and it's annoying when you're doing. I don't like to hear people with crappy voices and I don't like people to hear my adolescent boy voice attempt 'Baby Got Back'. Yea, it can be entertaining....but it usually isn't.

Doctor Tall had told me about a karaoke bar in LA that Mr. Belding goes to. Yea..THE Mr. Belding, Dennis Haskins. So, when Doc Tall suggests Monday night karaoke, I decide that I would like to see Mr. Belding. And hear that voice ("hey hey HEY HEY WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!")

While Mr. Belding was a no-show, I did see the infamous Nicky T from that awesome Boy Band V Factory. OH MY GOD HE'S SO DREAMY!

SO dreamy that when we were best friends in 6th grade him and I would play Power Rangers in his basement. Um, true story. We're no longer best friends though since he's now in a boy band. I just can't do that.

Throughout the night, as the drinks continued and my vision blurred, people began to harass me to get up there. Why? Cause I'm fucking hilarious and they seem to think that I'd be just as hilarious onstage. Drunk me wanted to find out if that was possible. So I end up singing but there were a few problems with the place. They had a stage with props available like wigs, hats, coats, weapons? etc. Although my OCD was screaming in my face about how disgusting that all is, I attempt to take a wig off of a mannequin head which is nailed to one of the prop tables up on stage. Um, the wig would not come off the head. So what the fuck. It was a head with hair just nailed to the fucking stage? My unbelieving drunk self rips the mannequin head right off of the table. HA! NOW it's a prop. I toss it to the side. I turn to the back table and there are multiple coats and weird looking costumes. Instead of actually wearing any, I end up sifting through them and tossing them to the ground. At this point, I still don't understand why no one stopped me. The fools thought it was part of the act. OR no one actually pays attention when one is karaoking. The worst part about all of this is that they give you a huge glossy photo of yourself and a DVD of your performance. Rooms and I watched this yesterday. Terribly awkward but not as shameful as I had hoped.

Recap: I still hate karaoke. It's like sweet potatoes. Every time I see them I immediately know that I don't like them. And then they look so fun that I try them but realize EVERY FUCKING TIME that I still hate them.

an unLAwful experience

2010-10-23T13:06:00.005-04:00

LA. That's where I was. That's how I be.

I just started a new job whose first order of business was to send me to LA for training. How gloriously ok with that I am. Having never been to the west coast being coupled with only having flown a couple times, I was quite stressed to begin a new job, then a week later, fly out to an entirely new atmosphere to continue my beginning of a new job.

So the plane ride was not as bad except for the extreme turbulence that turned into me feeling tempted to grab the older Asian man next to me who was watching old school Westerns on his computer and ask him if this was normal. He seemed fine, but then again, in every situation except Godzilla, don't Asians ALWAYS seem normal?

I didn't die so that was a promising start to my trip! Next up, I had a friend who lived out there. Having figured we'd only hang once or twice, I didn't overexcite myself too much at the thought of hanging with him. My focus was work after all, right? Um.

Something that almost immediately turned into bullshit. One thing I pride myself on is having the ability to 100% believe my thoughts. I was there for work. Really. At least it started that way. What began as a professional and hard-working environment became partying every night til the late hours causing extreme tire and a sickness that I knew was unpreventable. But what a grand fucking time it was.

My friend, let's called him Doctor Tall, received a text from me while still in Philly stating- "Let's go out for dinner tonight". It was Sunday, I was gaining three hours, why not?? He responds telling me there will be a special guest. Almost crapping my pants thinking it was a specific someone I haven't seen in forever, I tried to guess. Big fail. Turned out to be some kid I barely knew from high school. Oh, Ok, way to get me overexcited. But that's what doctors do right?? "You don't have AIDS" - "GREAT! THANKS DOC!" - "But...you do have cancer" - "Oh".

This dinner was not as LA as I expected but I dealt with it. Crayons on the table available for drawing swastikas, abortions and the like. The restaurant's tradition is to sing "That's Amore" at the end of every...something? I don't know. I wasn't paying much attention. And then we started singing. And as someone who hates karoake and doesn't speak Italian (Frank would kill me), it was quite tough.

Day 1 Recap:
Doctor Tall asks: What do you think of LA thus far?
Me: I don't like the architecture.

The Roommate Part 1 - A Series

2010-10-10T21:20:00.005-04:00

It begins.

Rooms and I have been friends for a dear long time. It all started in Spanish class where I gazed at her across the room, watching her crack her knuckles and wondering how I could learn to do the same. So cool, so hip, so punk. She fell in love with me the first time I knocked all of the foreign mini flags standing on our teacher's desk along with my Spanish interpretative dance of 867-5309.

Along with my roommate interviews and knowing this girl for 13 years, I decided to take the plunge. The roommate plunge. It's been years since I've actually lived with a human. It's quite different. But most of my friends don't agree. There has been bets made already of how long we would last ranging from a week (already made it, bitches!) to 6 months. I'm going for gasps, my friend. 35 years. With my newly found spinsterhood, I might as well settle down...with a friend....who might never get sick of me (girl has too much tolerance of the Nenna kind).

Week 1:
Things I so far love about her... um. I'll get to that.

Things I so far hate about her....her extreme love for Phillies.

We have created a sorority which involves forms of hazing that I will discuss in Part 2. But let's just say it involves cockroaches, rice, and boners.

My roommate called "Rooms",
Has so far kept her greatness,
Let's talk more Week Two.

Ten Things I Won't Miss About My Apartment

2010-10-05T11:47:00.004-04:00

1. Screaming foreign babies from across the way.
2. Russian chicks ringing my bell and asking for the laundry room key. Clearly does not live in this building if she doesn't have one. Shady Russian lady.
3. Kids not having anything to do but run up and down the stairs cause their parents do not discipline them.
4. The fact that I have to pay for laundry.
5. The fact that I have to pay for hookers.
6. Cleaning an entire apartment by myself.
7. Not having anyone around to annoy.
8. Laundry Wars (consisting of people taking my laundry out before it's finished and vice versa)
9. The White Trash people who can't afford a real living space and reside with 16 other people in one two-bedroom apartment. And they don't speak English. Noise pollution at it's best.
10.Had to handle the Insect Wars alone

Goodbye, Old Living
Hi, Unfortunate Roommate
Time for the party

Shit Or Throw It On The Wall

2010-09-30T00:16:00.004-04:00

I guess this should have been the first thing I blogged about today. And it should have been two weeks ago when I discovered this. So in my previous job (yea the one I had yesterday. See Not Awkward At All), there are three bathrooms on each floor at the three corners of the building. I had a meeting outside the office so I head down to the elevators on the side where my car was parked. I have to pee so I figure I'll use the bathroom down that end. Could either be the best or the worst decision of my life.

I walk into the bathroom and got hit with the smell of shit like I ran into a fucking wall. It smelled like a dirty diaper exploded inside my nostrils and my first thought was that people are ridiculous not to flush the toilet when their shit smells that bad. And then I realize....that smell is awfully pungent...awfully...fresh. Like it wasn't in water. Um....someone's shit was OUTSIDE of the toilet. I hadn't seen anything yet but the smell was so overpowering it had to be straight off the fucking boat if you know what I mean.

I open the stall that I think is the culprit and boy did my sense of smell get a kick to the nuts!! SHIT ON THE WALL. SHIT. ON. THE. WALL.

And I'm not talking, oops-I-missed-the-toilet shit on the wall. This was I-shit-in-my-hand-and-then-threw-it-up-against-the-wall shit on the wall. First of all, it wasn't even close to where your ass would be level with the wall. It was like waist-level up behind the toilet. Either someone was standing on the toilet and had the most explosive and direct poop I could think of or someone was playing with their f-ing feces. It was too perfectly placed and too random to be anything else.

My immediate next thought is that I have to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. If someone walks in they're gonna think it was ME who couldn't control myself playing with my poop and such. I peace out of there faster than that stuff probably hit the wall.

I was late for my meeting.

Are you that angry?
Or could it be retarded?
Insomnia now.

Your Face is Dripping On My Mood

2010-09-30T00:01:00.005-04:00

I know someone who looks like Droopy Dog. And I have so much trouble not actually telling this person that. Between their miserable behavior and, well, their long and dog-like face I just can't help but picture them as Droopy. Clearly, if I really wanted to out this person I would post a comparison picture. But this could get me in a lot of trouble. And I somewhat enjoy the fact that you may think it's you and it probably is and now you're just paranoid. Chill out, it's not you. It's you, that other person who doesn't suspect a thing.

Anyway, so the jowls on this person are just...droopy. Is there a better description? And don't forget the scowl that's usually on their face. Add that to a person who most likely drinks out of the toilet and you've got this cartoon dog! Wipe that sour puss off your face, Droops! Buck up! Life can't be THAT bad.

You look like a dog
Specifically, Droopy Dog
Shame, not so pretty

Not Awkward At All

2010-09-29T23:37:00.002-04:00

My recent Facebook status left some people up in roars about my being asked to leave my job.

Let's have a little clarity here. First of all, it's not my life if it doesn't include constant awkwardness and drama. Second of all, probably the same thing as the first. Here's The Situation (who I've been watching Dancing With The Stars for and it's terrible to forward through 2 hours of DVR-ed material just to watch him dance like an autistic toddler for 5 minutes...but this is just between you and me of course):

My job in the sales world was a job in which while I was guaranteed pay and security for this year, come January I would be working for the company for FREE. Only getting commission on what I billed. And a benefit here and there. A few weeks back I said a big 'fuck no' to that and decided to look for a new job before I'd be moneyless and fired. At first I had wanted to head back to NYC. Because they don't treat their advertising sales people like trash in that city. And while I didn't necessarily want to stay in ad sales, I did enjoy being treated better than trash. Seriously, Nen, I don't care. Get to the point.

The point is that I found this job that's better, gave my two weeks, and while my manager was not very surprised as he suspected I was looking, he also said something along the lines of not needing two weeks but perhaps cleaning everything up in the next few days. I took this to mean working til the end of the week. Not so much. The next day, after meeting with the manager in which he drilled me about the business I currently had going on, he basically said "ok you can just clean up your stuff and go ahead". By the time I finished cleaning everything up and was ready to go it was well after 5p and everyone had pretty much gone. Was it awkward for me to be gone the next day without having said goodbye?? I went around and said a few quick goodbyes to people who were still there with responses such as "What! You're leaving now???" and "Oh...I had no idea that you were even leaving". This place has always been quite awkward and not very welcoming so all in all I saw it fit for them to shoo me out the door onto bigger and better things, but not without making me feel like I don't belong first! Hugs were awkward, goodbyes were basically "good luck, you'll definitely never see or hear from me again" and that was that.

I went home ready for a two and a half week vacation of moving in with a good friend from high school and hoping we don't hate each other. I plan to start a blog series of my livings once I'm moved.

As for this rocky stepping stone of the job I just left, it was one of the hardest 10 months of my life and the most stressful. All I can do is just be thankful that I got out alive. And still with my pride. Sort of.

Goodbye, the old job
I'd rather never go back,
Let's succeed instead!

Megaphone Rage

2010-09-22T11:09:00.002-04:00

Just a thought. And something I will be sure to ask Santa for on Christmas. A megaphone. Why? Because is it my dream for all the road rage I have to be heard. If someone doesn't use a turn signal, I'll be able to put down my window and use the megaphone to tell them that not using a turn signal is a lazy and asinine way to go through life. If someone cuts me off, I can stick my head out the window and megaphone their face off. Let's fantasize about a few scenarios:

Scenario 1 - Driver brakes in the middle of the road for no reason
Megaphone says: IS THERE A REASON YOU'RE STOPPING, YOU STUPID SLOW FUCK

Scenario 2 - Driver does not use a turn signal
Megaphone says: IT'S A MERE FLICK OF THE WRIST YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT

Scenario 3 - Driver cuts you off
Megahone says: ATTENTION EVERYONE, THIS DICKHEAD IN FRONT OF ME CUT ME OFF, SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO "PRICK THE PRICK" AS MY DAD CALLS IT

Scenario 4 - Driver is super pissed at my megaphoning, stops the car and gets out with a gun
Megaphone says: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE THERE IS A CRAZY PERSON COMING AT YOU WITH A GUN

Life would be such fun
If I could obtain this thing
That makes loud louder.

The REAL situation

2010-09-22T10:19:00.002-04:00

I googled "The Situation". Something is wrong here.......

Toolsday Nightlife

2010-09-22T09:46:00.005-04:00

Um...so. Hilton Head is great and everything. I like the weather, I like the fact that my bedroom leads to a pool in the backyard. I enjoy the fact that there is a Krispy Kreme right down the street. I enjoy salamanders. BUT what I don't enjoy is the crazy happening that happened last night.

Toolsday happened.

I did a lot of research on Hilton Head nightlife because I like for me and mine to have a good time. The Lodge = 36 craft brews on tap. One Hot Mamas= Tuesday is 80s night. I just made bank on the bar scene and this is how it's gonna be.

Me, Doctor Seery, and Ex-Boyfriend and I (there are two of me) hit the showers, get the ready, and plan to head out. Ex-Boyfriend's Mom, the powerhouse that she is, offered to drive us. A wonderful lady indeed. Mom drops us off and we're all like "Thanks, Mom!!" like awkward 12 year olds heading to the movies.

The Lodge is great. Beer, Pool Table, Jukebox to pick your own awesome music. And a couple of nice bartenders. The three other people in the bar seem to really be enjoying the music we've chosen to rock out to.

Then it happens.

It.

Similar to the prairie days where Ma rings the dinner bell and the fam comes a runnin', the golf course VOMITED it's toolish, golf-shirted, rich yet cheap, middle-aged folk. About 20-30 people arrived at the bar at the SAME EXACT TIME all sporting the look that they've parked their Mazaratis after a long day of golfing (mostly why I hate this sport) and are ready to party. CROWDED the bar, asked for MILLER LITES (in a fucking craft bar??? You disgust me) and left little to no tip. Immediately, it was time to hit up the 80s night across the way.

We head to One Hot Mamas to see what they have in store. Walk in and once again, calm. We order some cheap drinks, listen to some 80s, order a bit of food and relax. I request a few 80s songs to the DJ and notice that while he seems to have a good mix, he is definitely not as 80s as I hoped. Between "Burnin Down the House" and "Jessi's Girl" he threw in some "Back that Ass up" (um, 90s) and "The Cupid Shuffle" (um NOT 80s). But this is why he changed his tune so quickly. For some reason, The Lodge wasn't enough for such tools. Like fleas to shit, the tools SWARMED in from across the way--dancing, being loud, drinking, not tipping. Between that and the bartender being wasted, although only 11pm, we have had ENOUGH.

Toolsday = a dark day
But something I should expect
Will never go back

Roommate Interviews: A Series....

2010-09-14T19:35:00.002-04:00

Roommate Interview #4!
Me - im interviewing for a new roommate
can i ask you a few questions
Roommate Candidate #4 - never
Me - what if when i pooped i missed the toilet a couple times
and it wasn't my fault
but i would forget to clean it up
Roommate Candidate #4- I wouldn't be your roomate
Me- FAIL
thank you for your time
Roommate Candidate #4-you are so welcome

Roommate Interview #3!
Me- i need to ask you a few questions
im interviewing for a roommate
can you answer a few for me?
Roommate Candidate #3- surely
esp bc i'm hoping i get the position
Me-what if when i pooped i missed the toilet a couple times
and it wasn't my fault
but i would forget to clean it up
Roommate Candidate #3-i'd prob treat you like my bassett hound and rub your face in it and say "NO! that's a BAD ROOMMATE!"
Me-Hmmm..
ok. how about this one
What if everytime we ate together at the dining room table I made sex moans
like I enjoyed my food SO much
Roommate Candidate #3- well, it'd be hard for me to even notice over my own food sex moans
but either way i'd go with it
Me-What if I had an abundant amount of stuffed animals on my bed?
and you were allergic to stuffed animals
and you were scared of the dark so you had to cuddle with me at night
Roommate Candidate #3- one word-benadryl.
Me-what if I asked you for my sake to dress amish for one year as it's my religion
Roommate Candidate #3-just dress or act like it? if it's just a costume that's fine, but if we're going cosplay i expect some chun li in return
Me-FAIL
Thank you for your time

Roommate Interview #2!
Me-I'm interviewing for roommates and I'm wondering if I can ask you a quick few questions
Roommate Candidate #2- i guess
Me-What if I licked my dishes clean?
Roommate Candidate #2-I wouldn't use em
Me-Ok...fair enough
how about this
What if I had a thing for peanuts. And bathed in them in the tub every night.
BUT cleaned it up before you had to shower
Roommate Candidate #2- better yet why dont you mash them after you clean them up
creating a butter
Me-That's disgusting
I'm never living with you
fucking weirdo
Roommate Candidate #2- such is life

Roommate Interview #1! THE FINAL INTERVIEW

Me-you're ok with everything

thats what i like about you

Roommate!!- i'm usually pretty good about going w/ the flow

Me-what if when i pooped i missed the toilet a couple times

and it wasn't my fault

but i would forget to clean it up

Roommate!!- not mad, just would make you clean it

i wouldn't go in there until you cleaned it

Me- How about if I was really heavy and my weight made me walk up the stairs like a rhino

Roommate!!-as long as it didn't wake me up

Me- What if every time we ate together at the dining room table I made sex moans

like I enjoyed my food SO much

Roommate!!-that would be weird and i would probably stop cooking for you

Me- What if I was paraplegic so you had to cook for me no matter what

and then when you fed me I made the moans

Roommate!!-i would cook then put it in a blender and stick a straw in your mouth then run away

Me- How about if I always walked around without underwear on

like pantless, all the time

Roommate!!- i would point out your hootnany

but at least your panties wouldn't be in a twist

Me- What if I had an abundant amount of stuffed animals on my bed?

and you were allergic to stuffed animals

and you were scared of the dark so you had to cuddle with me at night

Roommate!!- i would take all the moldy stuffing out and make it look like snow all year round in the backyard

Me- HOW GRAND

What if I had a thing for peanuts. And bathed in them in the tub every night.

BUT cleaned it up before you had to shower

Roommate!!- as long as i didn't have to smell them

Me- How about licking my dishes clean?

Roommate!!- you can do that, but i would secretly wash them when you weren't looking

Me- Jessi Kadsapolis.....

YOU PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU WILL BE MY ROOMMATE!

Roommate!!- YAY!!

I thought you'd never ask!

YES!!

My roommate is here
She calls herself my Monogs
Manayunk, I'm here

Musicals could be a reailty

2010-09-06T09:34:00.002-04:00

Last night I was watching the glorious Sound of Music with LisaFace and Crazy Hubs Roosman (how I've been spending my time in NYC...sad), I came across a thought. Not often something I do and it makes sense. But this makes perfect sense.

Musicals could never become a reality. Never. It's awful. It makes me sad. And there are SO MANY OUT THERE. Like..whoever thought...I have an idea..instead of them talking to each other..they sing!! Could you ever see yourself stopping in the middle of a kiss and singing to the other person how much you love them. Or that you're horny. Or that it was awful (shout out to Monogs and her recent slops). No. You wouldn't. Ever. Cause that's fucking weird. PLUS, you have to have an amazing voice. In which I am a medium singer. At least according to Rock Band. Expert though if we're talking Beatles and Green Day. So I guess whenever I'm singing in my life/musical I would sing songs that don't require a lot of talent to sing. Did I just shit on my favorite bands of all time? Seems like.

Here's how some things in life have gone...and they will never be able to apply to musicals:

"What if we created a series of tubes?"
Years later...the internet

"Why do these movies have to be black and white...what if there was a way to add color?"
Years later...color in film

"What if you basically had a computer....in your phone?
Years later...Iphone/Blackberry/etc etc

"What if, to entertain people...we sing in the middle of our words?"
NEVER GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN

Musicals are fun
But why would I sing to you
When I can just speak

I got a 'B' on the ADD test

2010-09-05T09:42:00.002-04:00

Straight up 83. Out of 100. The closer you are to 100, the worse your ADD is. I don't feel like reliving the test itself so I pulled some symptoms off the internet to test out

Liesl
Louisa
Frederich
Kurt
Brigitta
Marta
Gretl

whoops...those are the Von Trapp children from the Sound of Music.....my most recent cut and paste it seems....

Do i...

# get distracted easily? Because Paula always said I was never distracted while watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer she assumed I did not have ADD. 83, Paula. 83.

# have difficulty concentrating on one thing at a time? Isn't this the same as the last question? I can't handle them both ....at the same time

# tend to be disorganized? By disorganized do you mean when my mail is strewn all over my dining room table and it hasn't been checked for months? Nah, that can't be it.

# have a hard time focusing or paying attention during conversations, listening to others, or while reading? I just thought this was my insensitivity to caring about other people...but Yes

# often forget things like appointments or obligations? I didn't remember any of my family members birthdays til about.....two years ago? But I can't remember that exact date. Shit.

# have trouble following directions that have multiple steps? I can make a cornhusk in just 12 simple steps. As long as you repeat the steps multiple times. But hey...I would say no..as long as I know the steps. Like baking. I bake. Multiple freakin' steps in baking and while my cupcakes may not be pretty enough they tend to be fucking delicious.

# have difficulty starting and finishing projects? I started this blog about 4 times before this. Will I finish this time? I find this difficulty makes me life more suspenseful.

# tend to procrastinate? My motto is 'Don't do today what can be put off til tomorrow!'

# have trouble prioritizing information? Should this question have been first??? I can't tell whether it's most important or least important.

# get impatient easily? Story of my life..dude can we finish this freakin' survey already

# often feel restless and antsy? It's 8am on a day off and I'm awake. You answer that question.

# lose track of time and have trouble with time management? I don't manage time, I waste it.

# often misplace or have difficulty finding things at home or at work? I can't find my glasses when they're on my face. Seriously. Seriously.

# act before thinking through consequences? Drunk Nen does whatEVER she wants. Sober Nen deals with the consequences.

# speak or blurt out before thinking about the impact your words will have on others? YOU'RE ALL FAT AND UGLY

# tend to have lots of racing thoughts? I just thought I was a speed thinker :(

# get bored easily? Not if I'm interested (see Buffy The Vampire Slayer reference above and why Paula never diagnosed me with ADD in the FIRST PLACE)

# tend to make careless mistakes when you have to work on a tedious or difficult project? Back in grade school I would always get B's and C's on my math quizzes. Then I learned to double-check my work. Careless mistakes all up in the shit and I turned it around to bit fat A's. So yes...halfsies

# take risks frequently? Risk is such a broad term. I haven't jumped out of an airplane recently and I don't ever want to ride in a hot air balloon cause I'll think of death the whole time but....I risk opening my mouth a lot and stalking people. In a bad way. That usually leads to Drunk Nen making bad consequences for Sober Nen.

17 Yeses. 17 out of 19. That's a B freakin' plus! I've gotten worse in the past week

ADD is what
I have had all my lifetime
.......
....what was I saying?

WELCOME TO THE PENIS PARTY

2010-08-19T20:16:00.005-04:00

Uncomfortable with dick? Stop reading...NOW.

You like dick? I knew it. Anyway. Did you ever notice how hilarious penii are? They're just ridiculous. Granted, the vag is no beaut itself but dicks are SO FUNNY. In preparing for my sis' bach party, I found that I need to have my OWN bach party. Except without the bach. I'm just going to have a penis party. And no, I won't invite only dudes. That's a sausage party, get your terms straight, asshole. I will go to Spencer's and buy the place out of all bachelorette merchandise. I'm talking, dildos, dick cakes, dick cupcakes, dick tarts, a blow up dude, a penis hat, penis necklaces, penis straws, AND SO MUCH MORE. Wanna know more?? Come to my dick party!! What are we gonna do there? Laugh about how funny dicks are! Never end a sentence with a preposition? What are you basing this on?

Smells Like.....

2010-08-18T12:27:00.002-04:00

Dude. Normally, I don't blog during the work day. I should be out further failing at the job I've been having so much trouble with for the past 8 months. But seriously. I NEED to tell someone. Anyone. I've already told one person and it doesn't seem to be enough. There is someone at the workplace who REEKS. Like smells horribly like BO in the worst way. And it makes me a little bit sad. And I haven't asked anyone at work about it because it's mean. But...is it mean? Is it that hard to wash your clothes or use deodorant or perhaps shower once in awhile? I don't know. When I first met this person I didn't notice a smell. But recently.....recently...I walk through the halls and I can tell that the person is around JUST BY THE SMELL. That's disgusting. I just ate a delicious plum to make me feel better and it did. Usually my cubicle is well within the confines of the non-smell zone. But as soon as I step out of it all hell breaks loose within the dark depths of my nostril cavities. Everyone acts like they don't notice it. But they do. They fucking do. They have to fucking do. And I have put 100% focus into what I'm doing or wherever I'm headed. Because I want to make eye contact with these other people and be like "I know, dude RIGHT? That smell is fucking awful!" But I just avoid contact. Sometimes being me can be tough in not saying the obvious.

In the meantime, I don't breathe.

RachWho McWho?!

2010-08-17T20:37:00.003-04:00

When someone adds me on Facebook I need to make sure I've at least met the person once before accepting. Or that I actually like them (I'm talking to YOU teacher who kept adding me until I had to block him) I check what I can via what's available through not being their friend (pictures, wall, etc, some people don't know how to privatize that shit) and either remember the person from whatever brain cells I have left or from asking around.

Until one day...it happened. Some girl who shall remain nameless because she doesn't exist added me as a friend. Checking it out, I see that she graduated the same year as me. So I must know her. I knew everyone in my high school class, all the hundred of them. Now, thinking this is just another drank-too-much-in-college moment, I take a look at her picture. Um...not even close to familiar. There are three girls in the picture. Don't recognize any of them. Maybe someone got too fat or too skinny? Shrug. I ignore the request and leave it pending. Later on that week, some friends and I arrive on the topic and can't seem to figure out who the F this girl is. A week later, I'm at a wedding and a former classmate is like "WHO IS THIS GIRL?" This former classmate hung out with a different group of friends so I start to wonder. Who did this girl come in contact with?? I decide to write her a message. Something along the lines of 'sorry I forgot you, can you remind me?'. No answer. Nothing. A couple people here and there wrote on her wall and she had a few vague statuses up. But still.....

I take it to the streets and message as many people as I can fit who are mutual friends between this imposter and I. EVERY single person who responds does not know this girl. A few also concluded that she would have been in their homeroom (which held like 20 people) and are convinced that they have no clue who she is.

So WHAT could this chick want? Many have said she's an exgirlfriend of someone trying to stalk another. And really...that's the only theory. Cause girls are fucking psycho and that totally makes sense.

I'm tempted to message this girl and just call her out.

Do you exist, Friend?
If you're going to pretend
At least convince me

or someone

or anyone....

Weight Watchers = Anorexia

2010-08-15T16:44:00.002-04:00

I'm not a vegetable gal. Nor am I a healthy gal. Nor am I now no longer 100% "against" eating disorders. But here's an excellent find I've found. And I'm saying this knowing that I'll be crucified by the orthodox WeightWatcherites out there. I might have to again stress that I'm terribly sarcastic and hilarious. So keep this in mind....

Weight Watchers = Anorexia.

It's an excellent diet. And I'm totally into it. Why???? Because I eat cookie dough for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and that's IT! THAT'S IT! Seriously, this whole thing is a system of points that I seem to have had a problem with back in the day (see Tried it! and Failed...) Guess what? Problem no more! Why??? Because rather than working out so I can get my points up, I just DON'T EAT. It's fucking genius. You might think "OH MY GOD, I can't go a day without my cheese!" or "WHAT!? I love waffles though!" But trust me. Eat one waffle a day and you'll probably not even be close to the points that you need to fulfill. Fuck, you might even be able to eat 6 waffles a day!

There's more...each day you HAVE to eat the allotted points given. Since I'm such a heavy motherfucker I get an extra 4 points compared to the lighter folk. SUCKER. Do you know what 4 points can get me???? Not fucking vegetables cause that shit is zero points! If I'm trying to get to my points total...WHY would I eat zero points??? That's just stupid! Just eat cookie dough, cakes, throw a little bit of ice cream in there and you are set for the day!

It's perfect.

Are you too fat now?
You eat whatever you want!
Stop early and starve!

The "Other" Cousins

2010-08-09T21:47:00.003-04:00

I was at a wedding this weekend. And shit got real weird. I was in the corner of the smoking section attempting to feed my habit and hoping no one would speak to me and up comes a guy and his chick. He sits down and starts talking about how jealous he is that I'm drinking and he's not. He's underage? Hmm...that doesn't seem to be the problem... He's a recovering alcoholic? Nope, he's not much of a drinker he says.....So WHY is it that this kid is not drinking at an open bar-ed wedding?? Cause his grandmom, for some ridiculous reason, offered to buy him something if he doesn't drink for whatever period of time to which they agreed. Honestly, this isn't what the blog is about and I actually stopped listening after the "I'm not much of a drinker" part. The weird part occurs when he and I say "so who do you know here at the wedding?". I answer first with a "I'm cousins with the groom."

And then it happens.

"So.... am.... i." he says slowly with an eyebrow raised. We stare at each other for a few seconds considering how this is possible and why don't we know each other. Similar to the way those western dudes glare before they pull out their guns. We stand up and face off. What happens next?

I find that he's one of the "other" cousins. You may be thinking that I'm a fool. But. My father is an only child. Think about it. This subject of "other" cousins is completely foreign to me. I grew up with one set of cousins and one set of cousins only. The ones on my mom's side. I feel as if I've been dealt the short stick of not having cousins that don't know each other. All of my cousins are well aware of each other. WHY, GOD!? I can't accept this. How could I have grown up not having "other" cousins???? I feel like I've lived without a limb. Everyone else has limbs. Except for me. Sad, limbless lady of the dark side. The dark side of one set of cousins.

::Sobs::

Who is this guy here?
Who is born of my aunt(who's not blood-related to me)'s fam?
Alien and freak!!!!!!!!!

I name my Drugs what I name my pairs of socks

2010-07-24T17:55:00.003-04:00

So I don't get drugs at all.

I'm sick. Sinus sick. If you don't read my statuses then you probably wouldn't know. I'll leave a few moments for you to feel bad for me in my state.......
.......

.......

.......

Great, shall we get started? I went to the doctor and she was like, "I'll give you the Z-pack"

Ok, thanks doc. I get the Z-pack and instead of Z it's a generic so it's called by it's real name Azymentalfuckwhatthehellamisayingax.

Who???

Why can't drugs just have regular names. Like Patty. I have a sinus infection so I'm gonna take some Patty and I'll feel real betters. I may not be a medical doctor but I did get my doctorate in Jewish studies and if I know Jews, I know that they like things simple yet religiously complicated. Meaning, NO RIDICULOUS names please.

amoxicillin aka "Digusting and Flem-Filled Bacterial Infection"
oxycodone and acetaminophen aka "This'll Calm You Down Real Good"
esomeprazole magnesium aka "You'll Actually Be Able To Digest Without Shitting Your Brains Out"
norgestimate/ethinyl estradiol aka "I'm Stopping Your Babies From Forming"
albuterol sulfate aka "Guess What? You Can Breathe Now"
naproxen aka "Inflammation WHO?!"
diazepam aka "Dude, You Are Fucked Up"
sildenafil citrate aka "You're Old and Your Dick Is Useless"
valacyclovir hydrochloride aka "HAHAHAHAHAHA Sucks For Your Sex Life"

and the list goes on! I could do this all day. But my attention span is no longer. Guess I'll need some amphetamine aspartate; amphetamine sulfate; dextroamphetamine saccharate; dextroamphetamine sulfate to stop the ADD.

Drugs are so helpful
Like candy for a baby
Who is REAL fucked up

A blog written by a turtle

2010-07-24T16:25:00.009-04:00

Hi Everyone! I'm a turtle. I'm so much of a turtle in fact that I've documented my journeys in life. Or...well..I've had someone do it for me. Let's start at the beginning:

My parents started out as swingers. And always hung out on this log with this other turtle. The only issue is my parents could not figure out whether this turtle was a chick or a dude turtle. One day, they did it and it was great. All three of them. Except someone got pregnant and had me. YES! Welcome to life little buddy!! All from some horny swinging turtles.

Next stop! High school. I didn't actually go to high school cause I'm a turtle you moron, but I did have a problem with log-humping. This is common around turtles. Definition as follows: log-humping (lôg-hump-ing) Something highly inappropriate; especially among turtles.

As I got older, I became an Reptilian; specific sport - swimming. That's when my eyes starting poppin' if ya'll know what I mean.

I always had trouble being old. This is me, old.

And this here; this is my twin brother, Old. HAHAHHAHAHHAA I'm just kidding that's just me again. Uploading pictures is hard with fins or whatever the fuck these are that I have

OY!!!!! I freaking died, dude. And they had the nerve to hang my shit up there for all the world to see. I feel naked. And alone.

A Haiku about turtles (cause all you people do is complain when I don't Haiku. If it stinks that your problem, friends, not mine)
A turtle is green
Or some scuzzy color green,
Like color of flem.

Bumper Cars

2010-07-17T14:45:00.002-04:00

My car is almost 3 years old. The most adorable sap in the land, standing tall as a dark, cloudy grey (I shall use the foreign spelling for this) VW Rabbit. I love this guy. But here's my main issue. Not being the wealthiest of wealths since I've graduated college, it's becoming a problem that I can't afford how I treat the car. I wouldn't call it abuse. But rather, reckless endangerment. In the past year it seems that I care less about the car's well-being and more about my need to rush everywhere. For example, last year around this time I was in the car with Boyfriend At The Time, parked in a lot. I was at the end of the lot, right next to the sidewalk. At the time, I believed I mentioned how reckless of a driver I can be, and then proceeded to pull out of the spot turning my wheel all the way forgetting that there was a two foot high yellow pole on the outside of the lot right next to my car. It went something like this,

"I can be such a reckless driver sometimes"
::Pulls out of spot swiping the yellow pole directly next to front bumper::
::Loud scraping sounds ensue::

I hopped out of the car to find small yellow streaks on the front of my car. Sigh. I had never done any damage to the car up until that point. Almost two years of owning the thing and THIS happens. Alright, that's one time. Just be careful...right???

You're so fucking wrong.

Only a few short weeks after this, I plow the back of my car into a concrete mass in the middle of another parking lot after a 12-hour work day full of waitressing. Not only do I hear a loud pop and find that I punched a hole into my back bumper, I also do it right in front of some of the other waitstaff. I act like nothing happened, give them a happy wave, and continue on my way. Utterly shameful. WHOOPS. After a series of a couple more bumps and bruises (one specifically happening this week with the intern of my place of work sitting in the front seat and yelling "Oi!" upon the crash into yet another two foot yellow pole) I've decided that I should consider going into the business of bumper car driving. Cause I'm real good at that shit.

Real good.

Moral of the story is: Don't suck at driving.

Running out of Attention: An Attention Deficit Story

2010-07-14T20:09:00.005-04:00

Lately I feel like I've been overstimulating my brain. With what you ask? Life. Work. Multitasking. I'm currently watching SVU involving dudes doing it and dead bodies and at the same time blogging about how my attention has gone haywire. If you thought it was impossible to overstimulate my brain you thought wrong. In between shoveling cups of cookie dough in my mouth (I can thank my sister for that vice), pulling my hair out at work, putting my hair back in at work, and sleeping and working out, and "relaxing". Relaxing is bullshit by the way. As soon as I sit down to relax I stress about what I should be doing next. The Hills? That's over! So You Think You Can Dance? Too gay! Real Housewives? Too dramatic! SVU? Too rapey! Should I read? Forget how! Workout? It's my day off! Play Xbox? No!.....no reason in particular...just no! Blog? What about?

Exactly. This is why you're right about now thinking 'what the fuck is this bitch doing?' Well hey now hey now, let's not go anywhere crazy with it. Let's write a poem:

I love cookie dough
It gets me fat, though
I should garden with a hoe,
Why say yes when you can say NO!

Since it's difficult to understand a show like Law & Order while blogging, I will bid you adieu and wish you well.

No Haiku this time,
A poem there is above
Get it??? I Haiku-ed!!

P.S. I spelled 'adieu' one time and didn't even look back. I'm so fucking smart.

Hiding People on Facebook

2010-07-13T21:47:00.000-04:00

Such a thing has been often for me lately. And what's best about it, I don't even miss who is hidden. It feels wonderful to be like "HIDE THIS BITCH" and then Facebook is like....are you sure???? Do you really want to hide this person? And I'm like "OK YEA BABY" and then I "like" that shit.

Reasons to hide a person:
-You annoy me
-You bore me
-You have pissed me off at least 17 times in my life
-You status about nothing
-You status about EVERYTHING
-You take quizzes and play games constantly
-You don't read my blog
-Your animals are more important than people
-You take ugly and horrible pictures of yourself as your profile picture. Stop it. Also, I can see your arm. EVERY. TIME. You'd think by now you have the self shot down considering you're the only one who seems to want to take pictures of you.
-You smell. That stench can go through a computer. Trust me.
-You are an ex boyfriend that I added just to show you how big my balls were. But still would not like to see you ever again.
-You are my mother
-You discuss only the shows you watch
-You status about exactly what everyone else is statusing about at the time (Sports, Celebrity Deaths, Hating Work)
-You constantly talk about how in love you are
-You constantly complain about how much your life sucks
-You are a teacher who complains about being busy in the summer (see "You are my mother")

Reasons to NOT hide a person:
-You make me laugh
-I find you attractive

So far there seems to be quite an imbalance.

A Haiku about what an asshole I am:
Time to doublecheck
My reasons for hiding peeps,
Two are not hidden

Unemployment

2010-07-12T17:22:00.002-04:00

Have you ever wished that you had cancer or something so you could stay home from work for a few years until you reach remission? Seriously?? Dude, that's fucked up.

Unfortunately, for me I am jealous of a certain friend who lost their job. "Differences" in the work place. I'm sure him mooning his boss and grabbing the secretary's breastal area didn't help once his review came around, but, kid was given a warning and then while trying to do a better job yet trusting them to keep him around, got "let go". Fired? He says he's not sure what the paperwork will say, just that he knows he's getting unemployment. And he is home. Every day. Sleeping, trying to find a new job, which can only take up so much of one's day, watching tv, laying on the grass watching the clouds go by. And no. Lives with his parents and has enough in his savings account to last a bit of time. Jealous. I'm terribly, shamelessly, fucking jealous. Granted, it looks pretty bad that he was let go. But overall, it was something he wasn't terribly interested in doing and both him and his employer understood that. And he's already reaching out to former contacts who love him and will help him find a new job. In the interim, though, he gets a break. A break that I would love to have. Yet, that Catholic guilt I grew up with (and my image of Paula wagging her finger at me) keeps telling me that I'm an asshole for feeling such envy. At least you HAVE a job!!!! Yea, God, I freakin' get it. But it's been 5 years since I've had anything longer than a normal work week vacation. But this is the bullshit that makes me want to grow fucking old already so I can retire. Really, dude? Yes, fucking really. I'm tired, I have ADD and I just want to gamble money that I don't have(new vice!!).

So please tell me if you agree with me. I'm jealous of a friend who was fired. He gets a vacation for a period of time that is unknown at this point.

A Haiku about sneaking vacation without getting fired:
I should get pregnant
Birth and give that shit away
Still take 3 months off

I would not like to get with any of the above

2010-07-11T16:16:00.003-04:00

I've been in advertising for about 5 years now. And there are just a few problems I have with that Kia ad. You know, with the hamsters. The main problem being that Kia is gonna have a damn tough time selling cars if they limit their target demographic to hamsters. Rapping, ghettofied hamsters. Or perhaps Kia is making a racial profile for some race who has not yet crossed our borders. If that is the case, let's up the ante on that illegal immigrant thing. I certainly don't want any rapping hamster humans riding Kias through my town. The only hamsters I'm currently comfortable seeing are these guys. They don't bite, they don't rap, and they don't ride toasters around the streets of Philadelphia. That's another piece of this commercial that confuses me. The line that the hamsters keep pushing is "You can get with this, or you can get with that". 'This' being a Kia (assuming 'get with' means becoming the owner of and not boning to bear children with) and 'That' being.....a cardboard box...or a toaster....or a washing machine. I find it very hard to believe that if a hamster could drive, it would actually pick a Kia over a toaster. WRONG MOVE, Kia, WRONG MOVE. The only thing that seems to make sense is how they're not even trying to fuck with the hamster wheel. It's in the background of almost every scene. Damn right to pay tribute to what brought hamsters to life in this country. The freakin' hamster wheel. You betta pay respects, broseph. My only conclusion here is that, no worries, Kia, I will not be purchasing your vehicle because of the potential rodent problem. Thank you for the warning.

Hamsters are so hot,
And Humans? They are SO not!
They don't buy shit cars

Not that great of a surprise

2010-07-11T15:26:00.003-04:00

Have you ever had a Sweet 16 birthday party in which you begged your daddy to get P. Diddy to sing live for you and your 100 closest friends but instead, he shows up with a Gary Coleman lookalike who can make balloon animals and autograph pics for a small fee? I haven't had this experience myself but I have actually been the Gary Coleman lookalike in a similar situation. A friend's mother wanted to surprise her daughter for her birthday by inviting all of her close buddies to the movies and out for drinks afterwards. To make this simple, I'll call this friend "I Love Cats" cause the girl LOVES cats. Like, pictures-posted-on-Facebook-on-a-regular-basis loves cats. I Love Cats believed it would be just her mom, her and her angry and underage younger sister. The mom had wonderful intentions of surprising her daughter and invited all of I Love Cats' friends in the area. Turns out, only a few people could make it because of vacations, pet sitting and the like, myself included. At one point, I believed it to just be myself and another girl who had RSVP-ed 'yes' to the Facebook invite. Although I Love Cats and I are friends, I almost felt bad that it was I that could make it, as opposed to one of her vacationing BFF's. I imagined a situation that goes something...like this:

I walk into the movie theater, yell surprise, I Love Cats takes a look around, sees that it's just me to show, and bursts into tears. I awkwardly look to mom for help to explain to I Love Cats that P. Diddy was on vacation and unable to make it. I imagine her mom then consoling her and saying that in addition to no Diddy, Gary Coleman is actually dead, so she could only get his lookalike to show up...BUT that he will be there the whole night to entertain and take pictures with all guests!! This only makes I Love Cats cry harder. While watching the movie, I attempt to make a balloon cat for the birthday girl leading to half a smile. Success! I hand her the balloon animal only for it to pop within her embrace. Tears again. Fail. Mom escorts me out of the movie early as to not further upset her disappointed child.

Turns out, I Love Cats enjoys Gary Coleman lookalikes and popping balloons. This Gary Coleman lookalike feels pretty good right about now.

I am glad to be
A happy substitute for
Anyone's Diddy

Yayo

2010-07-10T11:55:00.003-04:00

Apparently, everyone I know gets offered cocaine deals. Apparently, I know nothing about selling the drug.

Previous evening to now, Ex-Boyfriend approaches me and says "Some guy just tried to sell me coke".
I reply with, "What did he say?".
"Yayo, yayo, Yayo!"
"Um, so what did he say that made you think he was selling coke??"

You learn something new everyday right? Did YOU know that yayo stands for coke? Clearly, something I was not aware of. I just thought the guy might have been so coked up that he was speaking gibberish which led Ex-boy to believe this man was under the influence of something. Anything. But seemingly such a way of speaking is how to sell cocaine. It makes me wonder. How many times and in how many ways have people tried to sell me drugs and I wasn't aware of their terminology? But... wait. Last night in my drunken stupor, upon receiving two Coors Light beer cozies, I placed them over my eyes as if they were binoculars and said to random people, "Looking fine, m'lady!". What if, just if, these people thought I was selling them some strange drug with the nickname of, "m'lady"??? How many people have I disappointed? But more importantly, how have I disappointed myself?

Try hard drugs instead
Was my motto until now,
Ignorance consumes.

I'm an Addict (maybe that's a lie)

2010-07-06T22:07:00.004-04:00

Back in the college days, when I was looking for something to turn to, I decided that aside from the drinking, drugs, sex and rock and roll, I'd try a little of the hard stuff. Cigarettes. That's right. I smoked cigarettes. I'm a badass without a doubt. Actually, I failed. I failed big time at being a badass because I attempted to get addicted and it didn't work. At all. I sucked, I blew, I inhaled, I exhaled. I had no clue why it wasn't working. I smoked every time I was drunk and pissed off and there was drama. I tried so freaking hard for like, the entirety of my college life. Like, right now, I'm listening to K's Choice "I'm an Addict" and I don't even have the urge to smoke. How crazy is that????? It could be that over this period of time while trying to get addicted to smoking cigarettes, I developed asthma, thus making it even harder to get the damn tar into my lungs. Of all the things I've failed at in life, becoming addicted to smoking is one of them. So the lyrics to this song so perfectly speaks to my issues of not becoming addicted.

What's that?? Oh....this song isn't about cigarettes? And the title of the song actually is "I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)"?

Whoops

Those FatBooth Photos Freak Me Out

2010-06-29T21:25:00.007-04:00

So there is this blog that I'd like to write. But I feel like it may awaken a psycho from my past. Therefore, for now, I write positive and happy things like bunnies and strife. Or, perhaps, just negatively positive things about myself.

The one thing that I've been super excited about lately is that I'm now officially allowed to make fat jokes. I've finally gained enough of those L B's to talk about things involving myself like a "fat girl in dodge ball". Except it's a sentence like.."Wow, I'm so heavy today I feel like I'm fat. And playing dodgeball. As a girl." (still working on those). But it's like being Jewish. Or a sailor. I'm allowed to say whatever awful things I want about fat people because this is all inclusive! For example, I went shopping this weekend because all of the summer clothes I own that go around the legs and such do not fit. And I don't mean I gotta squeeze. I mean I get them halfway up my leg and have to fold my tubs into them only to move them an inch higher, but not before I hear a ripping sound!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMGZ HOW FAT AM I!? I'm SO FAT, THAT I COULD HAVE MY OWN ZIP CODE!!!!!! BWAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. Back to my example, I walked into the store and called out...."please lead me to the fat section!"...while picking out shorts..."I see you have a Large but do they come in Fat?" After a while, I started getting upset and had to leave. Unfortunately......HOW FAT WAS I?!?! I WAS SO FAT, THEY NEEDED TO CALL THE FIREMEN JUST TO GET ME THROUGH THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!! HAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHBWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA

Alright I'm done.

A Haiku about Goals:
Please don't feel sorry
I was able to check "Fat"
Off my list of goals.

Michael Jackson is Dead?!?!?

2010-06-25T08:27:00.005-04:00

Can you believe how Off The Wall this is??? Michael begins life as such a Pretty Young Thing, then things turn Bad. Remember The Time no one knew if he was Black Or White? It's almost like he Wanna Be Startin Somethin with how controversial things became. Some little boys thought MJ said "I want to Rock With You", and they ended up feeling like a Dirty Diana. Many people thought he should be looking at The Man In The Mirror but he always seemed to look at things With A Child's Heart. Eventually he started to Scream and tried to Beat It, the reputation he had. Michael, it used to be different, The Way You made Me Feel. You used to be such a Smooth Criminal who could Heal The World with a quick Jam onstage. Perhaps you thought that They Don't Care About Us and it was as if you were a Stranger In Moscow. Just remember, You Are Not Alone. It's a shame that there is Blood On The Dancefloor. It was always Human Nature that made you who you were. Now, you're Out Of My Life. Your life was by far a Thriller. From a Rockin Robin to someone who liked little boys with the name of Billie Jean to Someone In The Dark. Despite all the happenings and issues in your life. It still happens that You Rock My World and I Just Can't Help Loving You. There is Just A Little Bit of You in everyone. While you were Gone Too Soon, wherever you may be now, please, Don't Stop Til You Get Enough. She's Out Of My Life--whoops, I mean 'He'. Moving forward, MJ would want us to be Happy and just Smile.

Today, MJ died.
In other news, did you hear?
Heath Ledger OD-ed!

A 13-Year Reunionation

2010-06-23T20:27:00.003-04:00

It is time. It's time to be reunited with all the people I grew up with. I have decided with the help of one of my former classmates, that I would like to plan an 8th grade class reunion. It's been an obsession of mine for about 7 hours now. And as I multitask my way through the night, I feel it's necessary to tell the world. From time to time on Facebook, I have searched for some missing folks from my grade school class. Being that there were only about 26 of us at a time, I figured I could just about find everyone on Facebook. Not so much. This reunion has become more of a missing persons search. I have made each person who I am currently friends with responsible for a missing person. For example, one girl remembered a kid's last name I forgot. She immediately became responsible for this missing person. Another happened to be best friends with their missing person in high school. Haven't talked in 10 years? Not my problem. It is my goal to find these folks and I'm tempted to send their pics out via the internets and make this shit go viral. So here's the deal; if you are a person, that is missing, and graduated with me from Annunciation B.V.M than please reach out to me IMMEDIATELY at missingpersons@ABVM.org

I refuse to sleep until I find these people.

And then we have a reunion in which I drink so much, that I forget that they all existed. Again.

Eye can see!

2010-06-22T22:21:00.002-04:00

From :40 seconds on is how I feel right now. 'But...why?' you might ask. Well, first I appreciate you asking and secondly, I'm almost out of contact lenses. And my old eye doctor won't refill my prescription unless I go in and see her. But I'm under new insurance now and have an appointment with a new eye doctor and it's not until well after my contacts run out. 1-800-CONTACTS!!!! Nope, that shit didn't work either. I need my old eye doctor to approve the prescription. Apparently, you can't just order contacts whenever you want. Dicks. I'm now like, WTF. I get that my old eye doctor needs to check my eyes. But dude, one freakin' box??? That's like, 3 pairs of contacts. Give me a break! What am I gonna do...swallow them??? Granted, that's what I do when it's time to throw them out, but I would use them first at least! So I'm gonna spite these eye doctor poopasses. And I'm not gonna wear contacts NOR glasses. Let's face it, glasses suck. I look like a fag hag in them. That actually makes no sense. I'm gonna go out there not really being able to see anything and see how those stupid eye doctors like it. HUH?!?!?! HUH!?!?!?!?!

Who rules the world now?!?!?!

I cannot see you
To see if you are laughing
Let me cross this street

WAKE UP

2010-06-22T21:43:00.004-04:00

I have this problem. And it involves waking up. I'm not very good at it when I need it work or perhaps other things that one wakes up for. For about a year now I've this grand idea of a gift I'd like for a holiday occasion of Jesus being born or me being born. Ex B was supposed to purchase this for me but alas, no more. But then......Ex B got redemption and an offering to give me birthday presents if I so allowed. Guess what? I did! And there was light! And I received what I had wanted for so long. The iPod Dock.

There is a reason I've wanted such a creature for so long. It involves me waking up. I was fed up with waking to popular songs, talk, or commercials. I snooze that shit and right back to bed with me! But the iPod Dock. Oooooo the iPod Dock. I get to choose what I will wake up to. Glorious! Exciting! I go to bed not being sure if I will wake up to the Spice Girls or The Backstreet Boys..but who cares! I'll dance to any one of them. To add a little history here; when I wake up to a song that is wonderful to dance to and I enjoy it I will pop right up out of bed like I wasn't even just sleeping .05 seconds before this. And dance for the entire song. Witnesses can attest to such an occurrence. My solution was clear that I would need this wonderful music to be happening every day to get my overweight ass out of bed.

I've received the Dock. I've set it up, I've prepared the playlist and am fingers crossed for "Bye Bye Bye". I wake up at 5am. Whoops! Back to bed, another two hours. I wake up at 6:50. Whoops! Back to bed, another ten minutes. But....all I can think about is what will play. Perhaps "Part of Your World" by the Little Mermaid? I hope it's not "No Scrubs" by TLC, I totally regret putting that on there. Ten minutes go by....and I've been awake pondering what the song will be.

I now wake up, wide awake, 10 minutes early every day in anticipation. Catch 22, indeed.

The Opposite of Misery

2010-06-22T21:20:00.003-04:00

Yea it's been weeks since the Season Finale of Glee. And I just saw it tonight. So what. And yea, I watch Glee. So what. It was mostly by accident that I watch it. And I have never been more ashamed to admit that I like the stupid-ass show until now. No, it's not because I just found out that it was a stupid-ass show. I've always thought that. It's because the Season Finale fucking sucked. I get that they have to cater to a lame, cheesy and optimistic teeny-bopper audience. But, what the fuck Glee???? No one died, no one was broken-hearted in some way, shape, or form. No misery at all. And people wonder why I like Grey's so much. MISERY is key. Stupid fucking show.

I get-it's called Glee.
What will make me watch next time?
Nothing-it's called Glee.

Bra

2010-06-17T19:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Lady Who Doesn't Wear a Bra at the Gym,

Despite that your workouts seems to be pretty hardcore, I can't help but struggle with the fact that your molehills underneath that grey wifebeater don't seem to be held up properly. Your nipples make me uncomfortable. Please purchase a bra. Any bra.

Sincerely Yours,

Melissa

Birthday Happenings

2010-06-16T14:11:00.002-04:00

For my 27th birthday yesterday,

What I received but didn't wish for (in no particular order):
-Stress
-My P-dot and some emotional symptoms
-A softball to the face
-3 various creepers at totally different times and locations looking in my car window like they wanna bangalang me
-Work
-Rejections
-Loss of softball game
-An awkward meeting with a client who was probably grossed out by my sweaty hand
-Getting Lost

What I didn't receive and am thankful for it:
-Herpes
-A punch to the face
-Jailtime
-Death
-Destruction
-Apocalypse

What I actually received:

OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz HOLY OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ THIS IS SO ADORABLE OMAHGODZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz. SQUEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL OMGZ I FINALLY GOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Birthdays are yearly
They happen every year
Meaning once a year

Dear Creepers Man,

2010-06-15T11:20:00.002-04:00

While I enjoyed you staring at me from your car directly in the next line over, I didn't appreciate the fact that you gawked a bit. I get it. I'm beautiful. Ravishing, even. I stopped your car in the middle of traffic (I don't believe that it was actually the traffic that made you stop). But, dear sir, who looks like Billy Ray Cyrus, just because you wear glasses and want to look intelligent, your shoulder length ratty locks and your shitty 1983 Ford truck will not get you in my pants. I prefer the Fords from the 90s. Those always get in my pants. Also, my sunglasses did not blind me. I witnessed every time you peeked out your window at me hoping for a glimpse of such a glamorous lady. I chose to ignore you not because I think you're disgusting, merely because I had to hide my love for such a hick-ishly dressed man. I was so turned on by the stares I had to face forward and focus on getting to work on time. Such distractions cannot sway me from my overall objective. And that, my man, is to get as many Creepers looking my way as possible.

Lovingly Yours Always,
I'm Creeped Out Get the Fuck Away From Me And Just Cause I'm Wearing Sunglasses Doesn't Mean I Can't See You, Pervert.

A birthday present?
Someone creeping up on me?
Nope-regular day.

Bathroom Attendence

2010-06-11T08:58:00.004-04:00

So this thing that is called a Bidet. It cleans your ass after you shit. And pee. And whatever else happens down under. I don't necessarily trust that. Is a slow stream of warm water really gonna properly clean your ass? With no toilet paper?? I call shenanigans. Plus, it makes me uncomfortable to think that in order to clean my butt and crotchal area, a stream of warm water will shoot up into my butthole to clean it. I will never move to France. I wanted to pair this topic with something else that I feel is completely unncessary in life. Bathroom Attendants. I get the economy is not at its peak and perhaps creating jobs by having people sit in bathrooms telling you how to wash your hands and clean yourself after a nice pee is not something I feel is ever, EVER necessary. The only thing these people do for me is making me feel more important about myself because I'm NOT sitting there handing people paper towels after they barely wash their hands. It makes me uncomfortable that first of all, you're sitting there all night listening to people use the facilities. What if someone has the farts??? They run into the first available stall, possibly the only person in there except the bathroom attendant and then have to deal with spurting out into the echoing silence of the empty bathroom. Um. Awkward? Also, to the person who made this an actual profession, I get that most people suck at hygiene, me being one of them, but I know how to freakin wash and dry my hands. And you handing me a paper towel vs me reaching over and taking a paper towel from the dispenser has no difference whatsoever. Except in the case of being handed a papertowel, I have to tip. NO. NO. I won't.

What is your purpose?
I will only tip you if,
you help wipe my ass

You just crossed the line

2010-06-09T17:11:00.003-04:00

Somehow, someway, I noticed something today. Something that has made me quite ashamed of the woman I've become. I went to lunch with the male gender of my Top 5 from ye ol' job and I noticed that I'm really fucking vulgar. Way too vulgar for these pussies that's for sure. And it's no problem that they weren't into my dirty quips. It's a problem that I'M so into my dirty quips. I talk about dicks, vaginas, sex, in hilarious forms on a regular basis. This is awful. What have I turned into? I get it, I've always crossed the line. But lately, I even stop myself from saying things because that crosses a new line that I didn't think I could ever reach. I'm classless! A gutter-minded fool, even. Alhough it could be that I just took a week's vacation with a bunch of guys, but I've hung out with dudes all my life. I should be immune to catching dirtyminditis! This is bullshit and I won't stand for it. But now, everything that pops into my mind can seem dirty. It used to always "That's what she said" in my head when someone said something that could be construed as perverted. But now....now I just spout out "Dicks!!! Get it?!?!? Dicks!" I even had a conversation with my manager about dicks the other day. And how if I had one it would be huge and I'd slap it on the table and demand things because of it's size----

See! There I go again! Fuck.

Elegance is learned
And money can't buy you class
I'm really thirsty

Things that don't make you stronger when they don't kill you

2010-06-07T19:54:00.003-04:00

Bunnies
Rainbows
Twitter
Telephones
HIV
Gnomes
Bubble Baths
Stroke
A glass of water
Bones
Heart
Electrocution

What doesn't kill you
Makes you stronger, but what does
Well, it just kills you

How to really get someone's attention

2010-06-05T15:59:00.003-04:00

Break up with them.

Ok, honestly that's not the answer but somehow has seemed to work quite well for me thus far. That one's a freebie for ya.

I've found something that is amazing. And genius. And takes drunk texting to an all new level. The other night, during some Flyers game (it's like the finals or something...I don't know) I was bored. Not the entire time, I watched the beginning and I sat on the edge of my seat and yelled at the poor offensive skills at the end. But right in the middle, I decided my attention span was not long enough for this 3+ hour game. So I texted. As many people in my phone as I found appropriate. My Mom Mom? Not so much. A friend from college I haven't seen in years? Perfect. And I texted whatever came to mind. I've never gotten so much response from anything in my life and was kept occupied for quite a long time.

Now you don't need to be extremely clever for this. Seriously, type whatever comes to mind. But I warn you, if it is something that is involved in everyday conversation, you most likely won't get a good return on investment. For example, "I'm watching the Flyers"....no one cares. What you should do is send "Alexander Hamilton"...which is what I did. Um, in a matter of minutes I received 20 responses. And I found out more about Alexander Hamilton than I could checking Wikipedia. Nothing is more valuable then friends or acquaintances that have been in your phone for years. My favorite is the response "Who is this?". My best friend's brother responded with that and I never wrote him back. Unfortunately, I didn't have much time because it was a day later and my attention already moved on to more important things. But also because it's hilarious and hopefully he won't be able to sleep with the wonder of "Who the fuck sent me a text stating 'Alexander Hamilton' last night at 10:30"?

Love it. Live it. Learn it.

The weather is hot
Nothing else to do but sweat
All there is, is text

A Spinster's Life is the Life for Me

2010-06-02T11:57:00.003-04:00

The official Merriam Webster definition of spinster:
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : a woman whose occupation is to spin
2 a archaic : an unmarried woman of gentle family b : an unmarried woman and especially one past the common age for marrying
3 : a woman who seems unlikely to marry
— spin·ster·hood \noun
— spin·ster·ish \ adjective
— spin·ster·ly \adjective

So it seems this is where my life will end up. Engaged sister was meant to be the spinster, not I! I was supposed to be divorced multiple times, Former Preggo Sis was supposed to get married with the white pickett fence and all that lovely bullshit and Engaged Sis was supposed to NOT be engaged. Way to blow it out of the fucking water! But I must be kidding cause that would make me an asshole. And I am kidding. I'm very happy for this sister who has adjusted my own fate merely from falling in love. But alas, divorce is costly and painful and I could not go through with a relationship and essential marriage I didn't believe in. So I've made my decision to spin..ster. Perhaps I'm more mature than I thought? So mature that I will seem unlikely to marry and possibly run my own spinning class one day. Or if we're talking 14th century spinning, I might just wear a girdle and turn myself around multiple times til dizzy. I wonder what this spinsterhood is like. All of us spinsters will sit around and play bridge and talk about the good old days. Or perhaps spinsterhood will be like Samantha from Sex and the City and I just bang every guy I see. Short of STDs, I don't see much of that to be a problem. Can't get pregs when you're old as shit! Call me a prude but I'd MUCH rather play bridge with a bunch of ladies than have sex. Sex is gross. Yuck!!

My fate has been set
I'm taking applications,
For this spinsterhood.

My Greatest Plan of All

2010-05-29T12:46:00.005-04:00

This past week I was on some vacation which caused me not only to be far away from blogging, but also caused me extreme weight gain due to drinking every day of the week. Glorious, beautiful, and totally disgusting. All of you who disagree, can.....go fuck yourselves?

CT (from all those other blogs), this new religious kid..let's call him Jesus Lover and I were hanging out one night and laughing hysterically about a shitload of funny things. That was when it hit me, the best Idea I've ever had in my life. Here's how it went....

I have this plan...it involves us (me, CT, and Jesus Lover) creating a TV show. But since you never want to have just one idea to rely on, I came up with contingency plans to go along with it. Plan A involves the three of us creating a television show similar to It's Always Sunny about our own lives. Since Plan A involves a lot of knowing people and well, talent, I immediately thought to move to Plan B. Plan B involves us creating a television show and basically using all It's Always Sunny ideas thus just copying the show...except.......all the characters are CATS!!! Get it??????? CATS! Since there might be some copyright infringement here I suggested my final and most realistic plan. Plan C requires us to purchase a cat and give it the name It's Always Sunny.

Which plan do you find most appealing?

Too bad these are dreams,
And all talent gets wasted
I have no pants on

Top Five Ways to Stop Caring About Your Self-Image

2010-05-21T14:13:00.002-04:00

Lately, I haven't given much of a shit about anything except the new job, which most of you know has been quite tolling and stressful. "Why do you have time for blogging then???" Because between the rejection phone calls, emails, and face to face meetings, I need a moment to myself a couple times a day. Plus, I'm two hours away from a week's vacation so at this point my mind is no longer towards work. At all. I think this has a lot to do with what I'll call my Top Five Ways To Stop Caring About Your Self-image. An example would be last night. I packed for a week long beach trip and what usually takes me hours of planning, making lists, and packing, took about 45 minutes. Total. Why? Because I don't give a shit what clothes I have on this vacation, how good I look, whether I have the right makeup, etc. Just don't care. It could be because I have a long-term boyfriend and no longer need to impress anyone. But I'm pretty sure the following is how I've gotten to this point....

#5 - Be without money. Not having money to spend on clothes is key for not giving a shit about your self image. The older and more out of date your clothes are, the uglier and more unfashionable you'll look. Eventually you'll become numb to the fact that unless anyone is flat out commenting on your shitty old clothes on a regular basis, you could care less. Am I the fashion victim-ed elephant in the room? Probably. Is anyone going to actually tell me? Probably not.

#4 - Stop cleaing your place. Don't clean. Don't worry about what people will think of your place. Why? Because you won't be inviting them over anytime soon. Pick up here and there when needed. But don't clean. The scum on my bathroom sink is starting to look like part of the decor. And there's nothing about it that bothers me. At first, I was very stressed about this. I'm a bit of a neat freak and can't stand my place being messy for too long. The stress usually eats me alive. But since the new job doesn't give me much time to relax mentally, I'm forced to sit on my ass when I'm at home so I don't nervous breakdown. Not cleaning your apartment is one thing, but what's even more important than this is....

#3 - Let it Grow. Exactly what it says - LET IT GROW. Hair on the head, leg hair, pit hair, everything. In fact, just let all personal hygiene out the window. This one I'm not holding completely true to but since I don't have much time anymore to myself, it's way more important for me to sit down and relax than shower. I hate showering. Especially because the shower in my apt building sucks and changes temperature every 2 minutes. So it's difficult to enjoy it. When it's freezing out, it won't get hot. When it's 90 degrees, it stays hot. It's a bitch and I hate it. Thus, I hate showering. Really, I hate anything that takes time that I don't want to do.

#2 - Change jobs. We're getting closer to number 1! Changing jobs is a big deal. But what also happens when you change jobs is that no one knows who you are. No one really likes me at work and they are always so wrapped up in their own shit that they don't have time to worry about mine. And rather try to impress them further, I've gotten to a point where they are there and I'm there and we just happen to be in the same building. While it does get lonely every once in awhile (because it's the exact opposite of what I'm used to), it's a bit freeing.

#1 - Gain weight. This goal was successful before I even got the new job. Now, I don't mean a couple lbs. It's gotta be substantial to where barely ANYTHING you own fits you anymore. Which led to why packing was so easy for my vacation. I just took everything out of the closet that fits me and threw it in a suitcase. And it didn't overflow the suitcase. Why??? Because I gained 25 lbs last year and only currently fit into a quarter of my remaining clothes. Of course because of number 5 I can't purchase new clothes that fit. Plus I plan to eventually maybe one day lose the weight again. If I ever stop working out, which will turn out to be number 6 in the revised edition.

These ways are crucial
To get to the state I'm in
Don't feel bad; I'm free!

Strippers

2010-05-21T08:47:00.006-04:00

Did you think my last blog would be about cockroaches? You're so stupid! I've never been to a strip club. I've never seen live boobs before. With the wiggling and the dollar bills. Last weekend I went out with a friend who has a bunch of friends who seem to enjoy after hours bars with boobs. Cause that's where we ended up. Not really by choice, my drunken self just followed along. There was a stage with hot-bodied girls dancing. They danced one at a time because there wasn't enough room for their fat asses. So we walked in and hung by the door in case we needed an escape route from the diseases. Girls dancing on the poles dancing dancing. Since the word 'stripper' makes me incredibly unhappy I'm going to make up specific names for these girls. They were pretty far away across the bar, I was a little drunk and the lights were a bit dim. I didn't realize why dim lights were necessary until a bit later.

When we first arrived, there was this teeny girl dancing on the pole like a maniac. Let's call her Green Hot Pants Horse Face. Cause.....when she got up real close, all the makeup in the world couldn't save this one. Straight Horse Face. I was like, wow I wish I looked like her from far away and then when she got up close I confused her with the pony at the carnivals and attempted to grab a saddle and take her for a ride around the bar.

Let's talk about Contortionist. She did weird contortions on the poles. She didn't seem to have any muscle whatsoever but totally used her labials to hold herself up! Entirely FASCINATING. After she got off the stage I lost interest and decided to flirt with some guys to hide my raging lesbianism. All of the sudden, boobs appeared in front of us. It was Contortionist. I don't think I've ever had such a reaction to a face. I almost puked on her she was so ugly. She was asking for a dollar and I was tempted to give her twenty to go kill herself cause there was no help for her. It went something like this....

Strippers should wear masks
To not scare away people
Or, just be pretty.

Cockroaches

2010-05-20T11:03:00.005-04:00

I went to meet M. "Too Cool" and Bitters (See January blog titled 'Farewell Roast') for lunch yesterday and I was pretty excited to eat at this restaurant we went to because usually the food they make is kick ass. There is a grilled cheese there that has apples and bacon in it. And it's good thick bacon like I like it. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I'M TALKING DICKS. Ok, I'm not talking dicks. I'm talking bacon. And it's a memorable grilled cheese. After you eat it you're thinking 'I'm probably gonna remember this for the rest of my life'. Well I did. So I get to ordering the grilled cheese. And the dudes like "It's got apples and bacon is that ok?" and I'm like "Damn fucking right, dude". Mere minutes later, I receive my grilled cheese. Um. Looks a little less of a sangwich than usual. Alright, try it anyway. Um. WHAT THE FUCK. There is no cheese in it. NO CHEESE. I open up the sangwich and then look to M. "Too Cool" to see how she is enjoying her grilled cheese. While the sangwich looks to be the same small size, she seems to be enjoying the shit out of it. Am I delusional??? Is she enjoying a grilled cheese without any freakin cheese in it?! I check the inside of the bread. Ok there is cheese, like barely cheese. Like someone at the Acme asked for the thinnest cut of a lb of american cheese and then took one piece of that thinnest cut and put it on my fucking sangwich. I tell the girls that this grilled cheese sucks compared to what it used to be. I'm especially pissed because I hadn't eaten that morning in hopes of having a nice filling lunch. Ha! Says that grilled cheese in my face. HA! You will not be satisfied and it will be my bidding!!

I get that what's next is to ask my waiter why there is not fucking cheese on my grilled CHEESE. But I was so confused. M. "Too Cool" complains about EVERYTHING ever made and she seemed to be enjoying it. Plus, I was on a bit of a time schedule. I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat my bread, bacon and apple sangwich. Oh, yea, and the bacon even sucked. It was thin bacon NOT like the way i like dicks. Bullshit. So I finished. And never felt satisfied. And am still pissed about it this morning. Sad way of things I am.

Here's the description on their menu of their famous grilled "cheese":
-grilled cheeses (HOW DARE YOU PLURALIZE THIS WORD-THERE WASN'T ANY) $10
thick (BULLSHIT) slices of aged cheddar & swiss(THIS IS BULLSHIT), thinly sliced apples & applewood smoked bacon (THIS IS SHENANIGANS I CAN'T EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN BULLSHIT) served on brioche & baked in the oven

What I should have done
Should have puked in waiter's face
or asked for more cheese.

Is Batman racist?

2010-05-17T13:53:00.003-04:00

I have a friend named Batman. And he just happens to be Asian. When I first met him in college he insisted that I call him Batman (while he denies to this day). Why? Cause, like a weirdo, he's obsessed with the character. Or he possibly fights crime in black with a cape. Anyway, on Saturday night, my friend Jessi Spano and I found Batman #2, as seen below. She started singing "I'm SO EXCITED! I'm SO EXCITED!" and then I had to bitchslap her because she took these caffiene pills and refused to stop. I'm not saying that all Asians look the same. I'm saying that all Batmans look the same. Get it? Batman #2 did not appreciate us calling him Batman #2, nor did he appreciate the fact that we kept shouting Chinese phrases his way (Batman #1's native language) and asking him to speak to us in Chinese while he, himself, is Korean. Basically, they are the resident Asian-American of their group and fill that role perfectly. How? By being Asian of course! And not letting anyone else into the group who is Asian. My love for Asians have increased greatly since this finding of Batman #2. I'm sure there are many Batmans out there and I hope to collect them all!

In some other news
I bowled a 192
On Saturday night

Go F Yourself

2010-05-15T12:40:00.003-04:00

I think I might start this new thing. In which I tell people to go fuck themselves on a regular basis. But it's like a love thing.

"Hey Melis, this is your mom calling"
"Hey Mom! Go fuck yourself!"

"Would you wanna go on a date with me?"
"Sure thing, but make sure to go fuck yourself!"

"My cat died last week"
"I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe go fuck yourself?"

"Wanna be my friend on Facebook?"
"Go Fuckbook yourself!" ::adds friend::

"I got an A on my math test!"
"That's go fuck yourself awesome!"

"I got a boob job"
"With that, you should get someone to go fuck themselves!"

"I'm doing alright, and yourself?"
"Go fuck myself"

"You're a petty bitch"
"Thanks!"

Ho-------agie

2010-05-15T12:22:00.002-04:00

I've done it. I am proud of something that I never thought I'd accomplish. Is that even how you spell accomplish? Seemed difficult at first. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET THIS FAR.

Ladies and Lads, I've found my ideal hoagie.

Growing up, I always just ordered what seemed natural. "Um...give me an Italian....with mayo?" I tried to spice it up every now and then "Yea...with the WORKS"

Found out the works don't actually work! Putting more shit on your hoagie does not in fact make it taste better. It causes extreme mouth confusion. At Wawa I've always gotten an American Hoagie. Which is not offered at every Wawa and I find to be bullshit. But I tangent. I've always gotten an American which has some stuff in it that tastes yummy. Maybe I should find out what's in it but THIS ISN'T MY POINT. My point is that I found the most ideal way to make this hoagie in which I look forward to eating it each and every day. Check this:

American Shorti with Mayo (grossed out cause you hate mayo? Go fuck yourself)
with pickles and onions (still grossed out? Guess what I don't care I fucking love this)
and here is the kicker....extra cheese.

Now I've always gotten extra cheese on things because cheese is what helps me survive. But the pickles and onion thing I didn't figure out until just now. All my life I've gone with slight experimentation on a sangwich watching how everyone else has their exact way of making said sangwich. I've been jealous for too long. And now, I am satisfied with my hoagie. How fucking awesome.

What's in your sangwich?
Why do I spell it sangwich?
I just coughed up snot

LOST

2010-05-12T08:28:00.005-04:00

What more can I say about this beautful show??? I can't BELIEVE there are only a couple eps left. How can this be???? I remember where I was 7 years ago when this show started. My cat and I were playing with a plastic bag and the damn pussy ripped through the bag and scratched my cornea and I was like WHAT THE FUCK CAT! It ran away frantically and hit the remote on it's way out. The TV turned on and there it was.......LOST. LOOOOOOOSSSTTTT. Sitting there with a bleeding eyeball I could not do anything else but stare.

This show (and my cornea) have come such a long way since then. I may be completely blind in one eye because of that fucking cat but my love for LOST has not been LOST on me (HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAHAHHAA). But seriously, let's get down to brass tacks for a second.

You've got your flashbacks and your flash forwards and your others on the island who "apparently" have been there the whole time. And don't forget when you guys finally get off the island you have to turn around and go back like huge assholes. Because why??? I don't fucking know. But don't forget that bald guy who seems like the bad guy the whole time and hasn't showered in years but he knows everything about what's going on. Well guess what. He dies at the end. I've already seen the end. Then there is the smoke monster. Jacob's soul and all that jazz. And these two LOST people have a kid together because it's completely sanitary to have babies on the island. And please don't forget the time-traveling mummies. NO ONE can forget the time-traveling MUMMIES. Here's how I'm thinking it's gonna happen. Everyone dies. The whole island blows up. The WHOLE THING. And actually, in case one of those fuckers time-traveled in order to NOT get blown up, they still get blown up anyway.

LOST, my enemy
For all these years I hate you
Your demise is soon

MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHHHAHAHA

MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA

Asshole

2010-05-11T07:28:00.003-04:00

I've committed a murder. Actually, let's call it manslaughter. Which is the unlawful killing of one person by another without advance planning. So I didn't kill a person. But as you can see....I killed a moose. That looked like a squirrel. Ok, it was actually a squirrel. Squirrels. WHY do you feel the need to run out into the middle of the street? WITHOUT looking both ways. Squirrels and Deer are my most hated things that don't look both ways when crossing the street. And the people at 69th Street in Philly. Jerks. I'm driving along singing Kumbayah and swaying like a hippie and along comes this Squirrel. Because typing the word 'squirrel' is the biggest pain in the ass, I'm going to call him 'Asshole' from this point forward. Keep up. So I'm singing Kumbayah and swaying to the Lord Jesus Christ and Asshole runs in front of my car. NO WARNING. Asshole just hops out into the street like "hey man! Guess what?! I didn't look and now I'm gonna fuck with your head for the rest of the day!" I brake to give Asshole enough time to cross in front of me but he decides that he no longer wants to run in that direction and doubles back. "GODDAMNIT!" I yell as I feel the thump thump under my tires and check the rearview to see if perhaps I had instead hit some sticks rather than Asshole. Nope. Sure enough half of him is flopping around while the other half just seems kinda smushed and paraplegic. COME ON, ASSHOLE! Look both ways!!!!!!

Asshole, Deer and those
Should look both ways when crossing
Or expect some ouch

Breathing is Crucial for Survival

2010-05-06T03:50:00.003-04:00

Here is how to save your infant from choking. Or perhaps how to hug them in an unorthodox way. Or how to pick them up if they're being fucking brats and pulling the dead weight thing cause they don't wanna leave.
So I just found something out that could possibly change the way I think about the world. Apparently, now I may be just guessing here....this will sound like a stretch, but just maybe it's true....if you're trying to sleep and you're having trouble breathing, you CAN'T. Sleep, that is. Even after sipping on some asthma inhaler and feeling all shaky with the hands, I just can't sleep. I have some sort of cold lurky thing that I've been struggling with for a day or two. Thought it was allergies, could still be allergies since Web MD tells me that if I don't have lung cancer, my asthma could be acting up because my allergies are so bad. What the fuck, dude? Who came up with allergies anyway??

There's a lot of things one may find about being up so late (early?) and not being able to sleep. For example, according to Facebook, there is a person out there who is unable to sleep because they are going to see Iron Man 2 tomorrow. Really?? Seriously??? I can't sleep cause my lungs are filled with the particles of hate and you can't sleep cause you get to sit in some nice plush comfortable seats while shoving popcorn and watch Robert Downey Jr jerk off for 4 hours?? Fuck you. Also, within the night, I think I heard a cat crying somewhere...or perhaps a stray donkey that's lost it's way. So, what to do at such a time where the world sleeps except for the paper boy and the hookers??

Go for a nice brisk jog of course!

Breathing is crucial
At which I thought a rumor,
All before tonight

World's Smallest HorsEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2010-04-29T16:48:00.003-04:00

OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz HOLY OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ THIS IS SO ADORABLE OMAHGODZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz. SQUEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL I WANT ONE I WANT ONE IWANTONEIWANTONEIWANTONEIWANTONE. OMGZ WATCH IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMGZ ITS EVEN CUTER THE SECOND TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY JOSE HOW CAN YOU BE SO ADORABLEY ADOREBLEY OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I FORGET HOW TO SPELL I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS LITTLE ITTY BITTY BABY HORSEY SHMORSEY OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I THINK I JUST PEED MY PANTS IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS LITTLE HORSEY OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ IM GONNA ASK MY BOOOOOYFRIEND FOR ONE OMGZZZZZZ I FORGOT TO ASK SANTA FOR CHRISTMAS EVEN THOUGH I'M JEWISH HEY ELIJAH BUY ME THIS HORSE FOR MY BIRTHDAY OH MY GOODNESS I COVET THIS EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Found this on Facebook
And these were the comments found
Horse looks like a freak

So you can take that cookie, and stick it up your YEA!

2010-04-28T13:34:00.006-04:00

Working at a place where celebrities tend to just drop in like flies is pretty good. Yesterday, I found out that Limp Bizkit was coming in. HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH I'm not kidding. Apparently, they got Wes back (for the second time) and are going to attempt another round of the Limpness. I don't know about you (nor do I care) but I loved Limp Bizkit in high school. I was a very angry young teenkid so that was my "Give me something to break!" phase. They were coming in for a recorded interview (not live because they didn't want groupies coming in--not sure how concerned with that they should be but whatever) and I went back into the studios to watch. Um, and I got a picture. Yea, we all know who Fred Durst is. A thumbs up, Fred? Really? But I know you're like WHO THE F is that guy on my left. That's Wes Borland. Yes, Wes Borland. Wes Borland, this guy. Who did it all for the nookie. So my first shock was what the hell with the tweed jacket and the combed hair. And the...shortness. The guy was like 2 inches taller than me. Um, no wonder all the Limp Bizkit videos are shot from below. Seriously, Wes looks 8 feet tall in every video they have. Because the camera is at his feet. I learned the hard way how 5'7" he is. Sigh.

I've found when meeting celebrities I have difficult finding words. And not necessarily a starstruckness. It's almost like I'm afraid to say the wrong thing because immediate foot-in-mouth comments come to my mind. For example, one time I accidentally insulted JC from N'Sync saying "I loved N'Sync.....you know....back when you guys...were...popular." WHOOPS! Him and I both politely declined any further conversation and backed away from each other. Another guy, MJ from one of The Real World seasons, got "You seemed so much bigger [meaning physique] on TV than you look in person!" He looked at me for a second to process and then turned away while I stood there waiting for an explanation. Sorry, bud! So this time I just had to had to had to keep my mouth shut. Fred Durst, in fucking sweatpants, looking EXACTLY the same, and Wes Borland, only a few inches taller than me when I thought he was super cool and tall and hot. I mean...still a good looking man...but...so..hipster looking? When I walked over to get my picture with them I suggested we take an 'angry' picture (you know, and like 'Break Stuff!') Wes suggested we take a 'happy' one. Um, boring! So I have set a goal for myself. From this point forward any picture with celebrities will have to be the way I choose. You have an idea of how these pictures will look (see "I'm THAT Girl" from my December posts) because I need to spice things up in life. And while meeting famous people is so boring, making hilarious and embarrassing pictures, is not.

Limp Bizkit is BACK
And more straight-laced than ever!
Fred Durst wears sweatpants

Melty Face meets your Ex

2010-04-26T09:35:00.004-04:00

I was at Dave and Buster's on Saturday night. If you don't know what this is, Google it, I'm not your fucking informant.

Alright, alright it's an arcade for adults with alcoholic beverages. But this is not what makes me love this place. What has ALWAYS made me love this place is the Meltaway Ex Boyfriend
I know right? Everything you've ever wanted in a prize? Let me explain for a second.
You're thinking...why the f does an arcade provide something so....awesome??? Well, in this arcade you can win tickets and these tickets add up to points that can be put towards purchasing items in a "gift" shop (as any normal arcade). Well I have bought these meltaway exes in past and it was a joyous 2 minutes of my life watching this bastard melt the fuck away. YEA! YEA! You MELT DOWN, BITCH! And that's how it went.

Saturday night, I went to D&B with the intention of buying as many of those Ex Boyfriends as possible. Current Boyfriend and I have built up quite a large amount of points over the past few times we've been there. So I was ready. I was gonna buy out the whole fucking store of Ex Boys.

Throughout the night, I end up kicking some ass at some stupid games that can build up points in a ridiculous yet efficient manner. At the end of the night we have collected about 13,000 points. This is my huge decision. I can either A) buy the HUGE stuffed monkey hanging from the ceiling for Nephew at 9,000 points. Or B) I can buy out the goddamn store of Ex Boys and have a party with all my friends burning away the Exes. An obvious choice here.

I head into the store with intent. I search. Crockpots, blenders, chinese finger traps, xbox games. But. NO Ex Boyfriend Meltaways. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I charge toward the first employee I see. A Nice African American fella.

Me - "Scuse me! Where are the meltaway ex boyfriends??????"
Nice AA Fella - "I'm sorry, what?"
Me - "MELTAWAY EX BOYFRIENDS. You used to have them. Where are they?? I'm here because of them. I just built up 13,000 points so I could buy the whole goddamn store out of Ex Boyfriends. I was gonna up that demand like you wouldn't believe, sir!!"
Nice AA Fella - "um, we don't have them anymore?"
Me - "OMG"...::continues to freak out then storms out of the store::
Nice AA Fella - "mumble, you're crazy, mumble"

A few minutes later I come back after having decided on a giant green dragon for 7,000 points who I am now in a relationship with.

EVERYBODY WINS!